When I Was Fifteen (an Introduction)

My daughter turned fifteen a few months ago, and there are things that I want to tell her...things I've been meaning to tell her, but also afraid to tell her...personal things...about when I was fifteen.

I turned fifteen the summer before my sophomore year of high school, and that school year turned out to be the highlight of my school career; the year that things were "best"... my peak. Pretty sad, really. The years before and after were pretty awful, and it is strange to look back on the year as my one good year... But after that school year, something very traumatic happened to me that essentially stunted my emotional growth and left a part of me forever adolescent...and sad and afraid.

Having a daughter turn fifteen had loomed for me. I had anticipated it's arrival with definite trepidation. I wondered how I should handle it; how much I should tell her about my life...how I should warn her about the dangers in the world... My daughter seems to be more self-confident than I was at her age, with a much greater sense of self and a thankfully more stable life.... so maybe I don't need to warn her... Maybe people won't see her as prey and try to corner her and take advantage of her... Or maybe she won't be so shocked when they do.

I was shy and scared and terribly trusting. I wanted to believe the best in people and got in way over my head... and something happened that forever changed me and left emotional scars that remain to this day. It made me afraid to ever feel good and be confident again...because the one time I was, I felt like I was punished. I felt like what happened to me was my punishment for having a good school year and finally feeling a little bit confident....

Now I want to protect my daughter. I am afraid for my daughter because I know how dangerous this world can be to a young woman. I know how selfish and persistent some people can be, and I know my daughter is sweet (which can make her vulnerable). I hope that she is as confident as she seems and isn't as trusting as I was...and I think that is the case. But I am still a little afraid of what I might do to someone if they did to my daughter what was done to me... I really hope none of us has to find out.

I write this and still wonder... how much should I tell my daughter about when I was fifteen...

Perhaps she will read this and ask me.

On Re-Writes and Do-Overs

Okay, it seems to be more trendy to say we have no regrets (there are all kinds of famous and not-so-famous quotes about living without regrets)... and while I admire that in many ways, I kinda follow more along the Katharine Hepburn quote:

"I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret...if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid."

Of course, there are lots and lots of aforementioned quotes about living life without regrets, and I think that is a noble philosophy, but the reality is that we really do "stupid things" that we regret.

"Regrets... I've had a few...." (a nod to the song made famous by Sinatra)

I admit it; there are things in my life that I wish I could "re-write" or "do-over". It isn't that I don't appreciate the lessons I've learned - I really do appreciate them - but I still wish I could have some re-writes or do-overs and just write or say or do a few things a little bit differently.
Even though I know that pain and difficulties help us grow and become better; I do regret the things I've said or done that have hurt other people. And I wish that sometimes I had said or done things differently to cause myself a little less pain as well...

But I can't. And that's reality... and that's ok. I can look back and see the importance of the things I've said or done that I wish I'd said or done differently..., and I certainly appreciate them. But that doesn't mean that I don't still regret some of them. Some would say regret is too strong a word... perhaps it is. I wish I could do things with more grace at times, and I do wish I could go back and re-write or re-do some things... but I also know that I have learned a lot from my awkward and less-than-ideal comments and actions. I hope that I continue to learn and grow, and never give up trying to improve. I can't erase the past, but I can keep trying to be my best "me". Sometimes that means wanting to re-write and re-do a few things, but also trying to not regret the things I've said and done. Eh. I try.