College Search Caution

In a few days I will be traveling with my daughter to look at colleges.  I have been really excited about this because college is a chance for her to redefine herself and help shape her future, and I am excited about the opportunity for her to live in another part of the country. 

But in the past week, this article came across my computer screen (even though it is from 4 years ago): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124272157 and that led to a series that led to this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124001493 and this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124111931, and they hit way too close to home for me.

Sure, those articles were written 4 years ago; but that they describe similar events that have happened 8 years ago when I tried working on a college campus in sexual assault prevention, and 25 years ago when I was assaulted myself on a college campus.... and I have to say that it puts a damper on my enthusiasm for sending my daughter out into that world.

I tried to work in sexual assault prevention 8 years ago as a graduate student.  I was dismayed at the lack of progress that I found in the years since I had been an undergraduate, and ultimately I just couldn't be immersed in it.  It turned out that even after all my years of work confronting and dealing with my personal story, the memories were still too painful to be faced with every day.  Some people really just don't "get it", and others are actively trying to perpetuate a culture of violence and control over women, and it is just too exhausting for me to try to educate or change them.  I had to admit that I don't have it in me to try to change the world in that way.

But my daughter is another story.  How do I prepare my child to go out into such a dangerous predatory world??
(I had to pause after writing that to pull myself together, as tears and sobs threatened to overtake my body.)

I try not to be overprotective.  I try to encourage my kids to be adventurous and live their lives.  But I admit that I have discouraged my daughter from looking at my undergraduate university because of how they responded to my assault on campus; it is a great school, and I hope that things have changed in the last 20+ years, but I just couldn't encourage my daughter to go there.  But really no college is safe, and I know I can't fully protect her - any more than I can protect her from car accidents or any other accident or painful incident - and I know that that is just the way it is.  But damn it is scary. 

So I try to prepare us both for the college search and the college experience, and hope that I can help build in her the strength she needs to get through the next stage of her life.  I know that I was really vulnerable as a freshman - having already been a victim and not yet a survivor (there really is a difference) - and my daughter is a different person.  I know that fear is not a useful emotion and I certainly don't want to feed it in this situation.  But I do still want to make sure she is aware and prepared.  So again I wonder if perhaps the time has come for me to be more transparent about my own story... will she want to know?  Or does it fall into the category of things you don't want to know about your parent?  I am certainly not going to force it on her (wouldn't that be ironic?), but the story is available if she ever wants to hear it.

Me; my freshman year at college

It's a funky thing with trauma that once you become a survivor and life becomes good again you realize that those horrible things that happened helped shape the wonderful person you have become.  But we certainly don't wish trauma upon our children.  So I continue on this college search journey with my daughter very cautiously.
Please send us strength. 

January 2014, with some review of 2013

So.... it has been over a year since I have posted anything here.  I thought maybe I'd use the new year as an excuse to try again.

It isn't that I haven't had things to write about; I just haven't followed-through with posting anything on here.  2013 was a challenging year (but really, aren't they all?!) and I just got caught up with living and not writing about it.  So we'll see if 2014 is any different.  

When I look back at 2013 what stands out the most are 3 major changes/losses;  I had to say goodbye to my two sweet dogs, and there was a pretty major change in my mother's health with a series of small strokes that really effected my life by needing to help take care of her more.

Gomer - the beagle/ doberman mix - died in April, after a swift decline.  Although in hindsight there were signs earlier, it wasn't until we returned from a spring-break trip that we knew he was sick.  X-rays showed a mass in his lungs, and at the age of 12, any further diagnosis or treatment seemed cruel (it was either a fungal infection or cancer, and either of those things were going to be painful to treat and only prolong his life a very short time).  We did what we could to help him enjoy his last few weeks, but it was tough.

Kinsey - the australian shepard/ old english sheepdog mix - lasted until December.  Truthfully, at the ripe old age of 16 1/2, she would have kept going in a somewhat wobbly senile state, but I was going out of the country for 2 weeks and truly no one else could take care of her comfortably.  For the last few months of her life I needed to carry her up and down stairs and pick her up often when she fell on smooth ground.  She would bite at other people if they tried to pick her up, so it wasn't fair to them or her to leave her with someone else. She would still jump around happily (and then fall down) for food or some other memory and she continued to run in her sleep; but she didn't know where she was a lot of the time, and her legs just couldn't hold her up sometimes. She died very peacefully and was even running in her sleep again right until the end.

My mother spent most of the month of July in hospitals and rehab after having a series of strokes that began on July 2nd.  I was scheduled to be out-of-town for most of that time, and it was a challenge to balance important time with my kids with helping to take care of my mother.  It is still a challenge.  I will write more about that in another post.  The good news is that she is doing pretty well and the lessons I am learning are a blessing.

I can't promise that I will be more consistent about writing here, but I will take it one day and one post at a time.  We'll just have to see how it turns out.

I will end this one with another picture of that beautiful summer day in 2011 with the dogs... when they were both younger and healthier.  We had a lot of good years with those two, and I still miss them.

RIP Gomer and Kinsey.