But in the past week, this article came across my computer screen (even though it is from 4 years ago): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124272157 and that led to a series that led to this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124001493 and this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124111931, and they hit way too close to home for me.
Sure, those articles were written 4 years ago; but that they describe similar events that have happened 8 years ago when I tried working on a college campus in sexual assault prevention, and 25 years ago when I was assaulted myself on a college campus.... and I have to say that it puts a damper on my enthusiasm for sending my daughter out into that world.
I tried to work in sexual assault prevention 8 years ago as a graduate student. I was dismayed at the lack of progress that I found in the years since I had been an undergraduate, and ultimately I just couldn't be immersed in it. It turned out that even after all my years of work confronting and dealing with my personal story, the memories were still too painful to be faced with every day. Some people really just don't "get it", and others are actively trying to perpetuate a culture of violence and control over women, and it is just too exhausting for me to try to educate or change them. I had to admit that I don't have it in me to try to change the world in that way.
But my daughter is another story. How do I prepare my child to go out into such a dangerous predatory world??
(I had to pause after writing that to pull myself together, as tears and sobs threatened to overtake my body.)
I try not to be overprotective. I try to encourage my kids to be adventurous and live their lives. But I admit that I have discouraged my daughter from looking at my undergraduate university because of how they responded to my assault on campus; it is a great school, and I hope that things have changed in the last 20+ years, but I just couldn't encourage my daughter to go there. But really no college is safe, and I know I can't fully protect her - any more than I can protect her from car accidents or any other accident or painful incident - and I know that that is just the way it is. But damn it is scary.
So I try to prepare us both for the college search and the college experience, and hope that I can help build in her the strength she needs to get through the next stage of her life. I know that I was really vulnerable as a freshman - having already been a victim and not yet a survivor (there really is a difference) - and my daughter is a different person. I know that fear is not a useful emotion and I certainly don't want to feed it in this situation. But I do still want to make sure she is aware and prepared. So again I wonder if perhaps the time has come for me to be more transparent about my own story... will she want to know? Or does it fall into the category of things you don't want to know about your parent? I am certainly not going to force it on her (wouldn't that be ironic?), but the story is available if she ever wants to hear it.
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| Me; my freshman year at college |
It's a funky thing with trauma that once you become a survivor and life becomes good again you realize that those horrible things that happened helped shape the wonderful person you have become. But we certainly don't wish trauma upon our children. So I continue on this college search journey with my daughter very cautiously.
Please send us strength.
