Middle-Aged Adolescence

So.... I am pretty definitely middle-aged. I am, after all, 42 years old...so there really is no doubt about that! But lately I have been feeling very adolescent too. So I feel like I am going through a bit of a Middle-Aged Adolescence.

Obviously life is all about changing and growing, so this is all completely normal, right? But sometimes I feel like I didn't give myself permission to rebel when I was younger and so now the pull to be more adolescent can be pretty strong. Of course I view it all very objectively and don't actually *do* much about it.... :)



Lately I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. To be fair, I have never been very far away from her for any great length of time, but she has had some health problems in the past year and I am her main source of support so I have spent even more time with her lately. I love my mother dearly.... but... well, it's complicated (and really the reason for this blog post).



I am the youngest child of 4; the "baby". I have three older siblings, who are a bit closer in age and I felt somehow apart from them growing up. Now the difference in age doesn't seem like much (they are 5, 8, and 10 years older), but growing up it seemed much greater. I felt left-out of some things and resented for others.... but mostly I felt somehow responsible for everyone else's feelings. (cue the psychologists!) Yep, that is the underlying theme... I have always felt responsible for other people's feelings.... and now at the ripe old age of 42, I am still trying to figure out how to be "me" and not neglect others in the process.

All my sociological and psychological studies have led me to the obvious understanding that adolescence is appropriate; people should rebel and question things and figure things out when they are growing up. I'm sure I did some of that... but I am also certain that I really didn't feel like I had the right to do much of it. When I was at the appropriate age of adolescence, my family was in turmoil and I felt the responsibility to be a sweet little good child.... and really that has continued. I still get stuck in thinking I have to be "good" and "sweet" and "nice".... and I feel extremely guilty when I do things that seem selfish or mean.... when really I am probably doing things that are more balanced. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And now I have the added problem of having aging parents and adolescent kids who rely on me....

I know it is all a part of life, and it is good to question things and observe and figure things out. Usually I can look at things objectively and slow-down enough to not do really hurtful things.... but sometimes that really takes a lot of self-control! And of course sometimes I slip and blurt-out things or ignore things that I shouldn't... in other words, I am still very human. I am not a perfect child; I am not a perfect friend, or wife, or mother or business-owner either. (I am also not a perfect writer, so if you are appalled at my grammar and writing style, get over it!) I am, however, painfully aware of my imperfections and it does still cause me to withdraw and hide-out. Shy? A bit. Introverted? Somewhat. Overly-sensitive? Perhaps.

I wish I could be more out-going and friendly and confident sometimes,..., but then sometimes I am (which I can imagine is confusing to people as well!). I do try to be kind and caring and loving, but sometimes I just need to hide in my shell and protect myself as well. I still feel a very great responsibility to others and I struggle with guilt when I cannot help others. I recognize that I am human, but I also get frustrated that I don't do more.... but perhaps there is a certain balance to that after all.