Half Moon

I look up at the moon and see

What feels like truly part of me.

Sliced nearly in half, I see her glow

The darker part will ebb and flow.

 She hangs above me in the sky

And watching her, I always sigh.

For she is, in fact, my guiding light

I feel great blessings at her sight.

A Couple of Introverts go to Bonnaroo....

A view of the tent city

My husband and I attended our second Bonnaroo Music festival this year.  In case you don't know, Bonnaroo is a 4-day music festival where over 80,000 people camp-out and hang-out and rock-out on a farm in Manchester, Tennessee.  Over 80,000 people.  Over 80,000.  People.

We went last year mainly because there were a couple bands we really really wanted to see, and we wanted to be brave and daring and suffer through the heat and port-o-potties... and we survived!  And very much like child-birth, we focused on the result and decided to do it again....crazy people that we are.

Us

See, my husband and I are really both pretty much introverts, and 80,000+ people is a lot of people to be around for 4 days straight.  He and I are different in the way we deal with it though; I think he is more content to just get lost in the crowd, whereas I am really more *afraid* of getting lost in the crowd... so we definitely have different thoughts on the experience.  I can really only speak (write) for myself though.

Last year when we went we really didn't know what to expect.  We read up on it and talked to some experienced Rooers, but again - much like childbirth - you really don't know until you experience it.  It was hot and dusty and stinky and crowded... and the music was AWESOME.  And really, it was nice to get away with the old hubby.... and yeah, we felt old.   

Our Tent

This year we were more prepared - both mentally and physically.  Most importantly we had a tent/awning to go over our tent and give us more shade (yay!), and we were more careful to not let our car battery die as we unloaded (good for recharging the phone battery).  We were also a bit luckier with the weather so the heat wasn't quite so bad.  And really being more mentally prepared for the crowds and stinky toilets is really helpful.  :)

The Shins

Again, the music was awesome and we discovered a couple new bands, and we didn't get too sick of each other in the many hours of togetherness... But we also were reminded that we need to work on our social skills, and I think that if we go again we really need to be willing to be more out-going, cause really with so many people around, it is good to enjoy their company more.  True, most of the people there are much younger than us - it really is mostly a 20-something crowd - but we saw plenty of older folks too.  And admittedly since we don't smoke we lose out on a very popular conversation starter there... but I'm not gonna take up smoking just for that.  I don't think it is horrible to be an introvert, and I'm actually very happy with who I am, but I do hope that if I go back I will be just a little more out-going....

Red Hot Chili Peppers

So hey - if anyone reading this would like to join us next year, let me know.... I'd love to know more people there.

Fear and Compassion

I am writing this from a hotel room in Nashville.  I am here for one day, while my husband gives a talk and meets with a bunch of people at a university.  Tomorrow we head to the Bonnaroo music festival for 4 days outside with about 80,000 strangers.... So today I have some time to myself.  And that should be good.  Unfortunately my fear has gotten a hold of me and I have been beating myself up for the past hour or so.

I have been told that Nashville is a pretty nice place, and with a whole afternoon to myself I thought maybe I'd check it out.  But I am too scared.  I know anxiety pretty well, and what started out as a little nervousness turned into pretty good anxiety and I became afraid that if I went out I would have a full-blown panic attack...and those are just not much fun.  I've had them before in public places and I really prefer to prevent them if possible. 

The thing about my anxiety is that it doesn't always make sense.  Panic and anxiety really are not rational.  Sometimes I can work through it and "feel the fear and do it anyway", but other times it really is best to just be compassionate with myself and let me hide in my hotel room.  After about an hour of trying to push through it today, I decided the room is not so bad.  It looks like a beautiful day outside, but I will be outside for the next 4 days.  And Nashville, well... if there was a park or water right nearby I'd be out there, but I don't feel like getting the car out of valet parking and driving somewhere, and the nearest park is a half-hour walk down a potentially pedestrian un-friendly road.  I'm not into stores and shopping, and I have a little food in the room, so here I stay. 

What bothers me is the fear.  I have an enormous fear of asking directions, and even of being seen.  I actually believe that somehow I don't have the "right" to be places... like I don't even have the right to exist.  I kinda figure that if I can exist quietly, without anybody noticing, then I am ok... but if I have to ask directions or draw attention to myself that I will be "found out" and sent away or something even more humiliating (while I rationally know this doesn't make sense, this seems to be pretty spot-on with how I feel if I look deep inside).  I'm not sure I've ever articulated that quite like that before, but it really feels like truth to me.  I suppose writing it down like this is maybe not a good idea though because now anyone who reads this will know how deeply psychologically whacked I am!  Oh well.  It really does seem to be a root cause to so much of my anxiety.

Now, having written that, I can also admit that I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I really do feel like I have the right to exist!  And once in awhile I even like attention.  But mostly I really am afraid that people will find out that I am a fraud of some kind and I figure that once they know the "real me" they won't like me.  So I really prefer to keep to myself and try to prevent that.  So here I am; alone, hiding in my hotel room on a beautiful summer day....

But today I will practice compassion for myself.  Tomorrow I will get back out in the sun.