Fear and Compassion

I am writing this from a hotel room in Nashville.  I am here for one day, while my husband gives a talk and meets with a bunch of people at a university.  Tomorrow we head to the Bonnaroo music festival for 4 days outside with about 80,000 strangers.... So today I have some time to myself.  And that should be good.  Unfortunately my fear has gotten a hold of me and I have been beating myself up for the past hour or so.

I have been told that Nashville is a pretty nice place, and with a whole afternoon to myself I thought maybe I'd check it out.  But I am too scared.  I know anxiety pretty well, and what started out as a little nervousness turned into pretty good anxiety and I became afraid that if I went out I would have a full-blown panic attack...and those are just not much fun.  I've had them before in public places and I really prefer to prevent them if possible. 

The thing about my anxiety is that it doesn't always make sense.  Panic and anxiety really are not rational.  Sometimes I can work through it and "feel the fear and do it anyway", but other times it really is best to just be compassionate with myself and let me hide in my hotel room.  After about an hour of trying to push through it today, I decided the room is not so bad.  It looks like a beautiful day outside, but I will be outside for the next 4 days.  And Nashville, well... if there was a park or water right nearby I'd be out there, but I don't feel like getting the car out of valet parking and driving somewhere, and the nearest park is a half-hour walk down a potentially pedestrian un-friendly road.  I'm not into stores and shopping, and I have a little food in the room, so here I stay. 

What bothers me is the fear.  I have an enormous fear of asking directions, and even of being seen.  I actually believe that somehow I don't have the "right" to be places... like I don't even have the right to exist.  I kinda figure that if I can exist quietly, without anybody noticing, then I am ok... but if I have to ask directions or draw attention to myself that I will be "found out" and sent away or something even more humiliating (while I rationally know this doesn't make sense, this seems to be pretty spot-on with how I feel if I look deep inside).  I'm not sure I've ever articulated that quite like that before, but it really feels like truth to me.  I suppose writing it down like this is maybe not a good idea though because now anyone who reads this will know how deeply psychologically whacked I am!  Oh well.  It really does seem to be a root cause to so much of my anxiety.

Now, having written that, I can also admit that I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I really do feel like I have the right to exist!  And once in awhile I even like attention.  But mostly I really am afraid that people will find out that I am a fraud of some kind and I figure that once they know the "real me" they won't like me.  So I really prefer to keep to myself and try to prevent that.  So here I am; alone, hiding in my hotel room on a beautiful summer day....

But today I will practice compassion for myself.  Tomorrow I will get back out in the sun.