Anniversary Reactions

This past weekend held two significant traumatic anniversaries for me, and in true Jen-fashion I had anniversary reactions. The older anniversary was from 1988, and I have done a lot to recover from that trauma and it might not have been so bad... but last year I had another trauma that is still pretty fresh and this was the first anniversary of that one so it compounded things. Two traumatic anniversaries in one day/weekend kinda sucked.

This won't happen every year; that first trauma - from 1988 - was a "night before Easter" thing... the actual date was really April 2/3. There have been many years where it haunted me but I didn't understand the whole "anniversary reaction" thing. Sadly, in it's association with Easter, I have not been a big fan of that holiday for quite some time... but I have learned to deal with my reactions and get by. Last year - on April 7 - I experienced another trauma, and the wounds are still pretty fresh and raw... and although I tried to not let the anniversary get to me too much, my anniversary reactions were pretty strong and a bit frustrating.

It may seem that by writing about this I am dwelling on the trauma and perpetuating the reactions. I don't believe that to be the case. What I am doing is acknowledging something that occurs whether I am conscious of it or not; my body remembers things that my conscious mind does not, and I become agitated and unusually "moody" during these times. Understanding the anniversary reaction helps me to be forgiving and gentle with myself when this happens, and I believe it helps me to heal. But it is still frustrating.

One kinda neat thing about this year is that when I woke up on Easter Sunday, it was a bit of my own resurrection; I had a new day and a new year and new healing. Maybe I can make new peace with the holiday too; I hadn't really realized the spiritual timing of my traumas before. Maybe what happened last year was a reminder that I hadn't fully understood the significance of my earlier traumas... I believe I still have lessons to learn.

I have some time before my next trauma anniversary in May. Perhaps I can spend some time looking at it more objectively and heal more of my wounds. I know that if I try to ignore it my body will just shout at me louder. But if I acknowledge it, I can make peace with it more gently... and I welcome that.

Peace and Love.