Happiness

Ok, I admit it. I am not a "happy" person. I am wary of too much happiness. I am suspicious of exceedingly happy people. I do not trust "happy". Bah humbug to "happy".
But that doesn't mean I am always miserable either.

Ok, so I also admit I have been my share of "miserable". It is a well-learned skill that I was taught growing up in my family. And I admit that when things go wrong, I do have a tendency to crash and burn. And well, things do sometimes go "wrong". But... well... I am trying to find that balance between the "happy" that I distrust, and the "miserable" that I unfortunately feel a bit more comfortable with.

Some people may be shocked to think that someone would be more comfortable with misery over happiness. And truthfully, I am rather puzzled with it myself. But the thing is, somehow I have internalized this belief that misery is safer than happiness. Crazy, huh? But then again, obviously I am not alone because otherwise there would not be such a market for positive inspiration... all that "do not be afraid" stuff is so popular because people *are* afraid, and often afraid of going after what they want and even being...happy.

In my own experience, I have internalized a notion that I don't deserve to be "happy". I have somehow come to believe - deep down - that I get punished when I am happy. I wrote about it a little in my post "When I Was Fifteen (an Introduction)"; because I do think that having a few traumatic experiences occur shortly after I have been "happy" has really taught me that happy is dangerous. I can actually think of many many examples throughout my life... but then I realize that if I can really look at things objectively, maybe "happy" is not the cause.... but as I said, it is a belief that I have internalized and the feeling is so strong that it is really tough to change.... I *am* working on changing it, though progress is pretty damn slow sometimes.

So I still don't trust "happy". If someone asks me what makes me happy, I think to myself that I don't want to be happy; I want to be at peace, and I want to experience love and maybe some joy once in awhile... but happy still feels dangerous to me. Still I will say that things make me happy - it is a word that gets used a lot - I will comment on places in nature being my "happy place",..., but really truly I am looking for peace...comfort...and once in awhile moments of contentment and even joy. But not too much. Too much joy = happy, and then my body starts to worry and look for trauma, and often then it seems to find it.

So please be understanding that I don't display much happy. It is still too closely associated with trauma, and I just can't go there right now. I'm tired and beaten down and for now it is safer to quietly go about my life and try to just get through it. Don't push happy on me.

On the other hand, I'm happy if you're happy. :)