Family

As I was walking with my daughter to school today, she was asking me lots of questions about family. She is very interested in genetics and often asks about various traits; both physical and behavioral. This morning's was a good conversation that I wanted to continue (but I had to let her go to school). Walking back alone, I reflected on the idea of family more and thought about those I consider family....

My main family consists of my husband and two children. We are a "traditional" family who sometimes joke about who the .5 kid is (we also have 2 dogs, and we live in a big house with a white picket fence in Indiana). I didn't strive for this family; when I was younger I was pretty sure I would never get married and I figured that when I was ready to have kids I would have them as a single woman. I was rather dismayed when my husband asked me to marry him when I was only 23, but he's a really great guy and I just couldn't say no. We've had our ups and downs, but we've now been married for more than 15 years, and I can honestly say our relationship is better than ever. Luckily neither one of us has decided to take the easy way out, so here we are, and I feel very fortunate.

The family I grew up in - my "birth" family - was a little different, but not terribly unusual. I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota in July of 1969. I was the youngest of 4 children, and two rather unhappy parents. My three older siblings were all fairly close in age; born in '59, '61, and '64. Growing up I felt like I was ages apart being born 5 years after my closest sibling, but now it doesn't seem that far. Growing up there were times when I felt like I came from a completely different family and I felt left-out a lot. There was a lot of conflict in my family and I was always pretty sensitive to people's moods so I would find places to go to escape it. Usually it was just outside somewhere - near a tree or water (I wrote about my spot by the Mississippi River in a previous post last year). Sometimes it was just into my own mind. From an early age I did a lot of writing - lots of poems (and "songs") - but I've never been very comfortable sharing. At any rate, I think that I have always tried to avoid conflict when I can. I have also tried to resolve it when I can as well, but I know all too well that we cannot control how other people will react to things. It is still somewhat amazing to me how upset people will get when they *don't* want help resolving something....but I am learning.

My parents got divorced when I was 15 (separated when I was 14). I honestly never remember them being happily married and I was actually relieved when my dad moved out. But it was tough. I don't think there is ever a good time for parents to divorce, and being a young teenager is tough enough without it. My older siblings were all out of the house by then, except when they would return for temporary periods of time, and it was an interesting time looking back. The first year was actually wonderful; my dad had moved out and the house was quieter and calmer than it had ever been. My older brother was at home with my mom and I, but my sisters were both gone and the house was really rather peaceful. I felt happy and confident for one of the first times of my life. Unfortunately it would also be the last time for quite some time as well.... While the separation was great for me, the divorce was much worse and it coincided with some other things which drastically changed my life.

We take on roles in our families, and although we may all see and define them differently they are still there. Looking back, I think that I viewed my role in my family as the sweet, happy child. I felt that I was there to make other people happy, and to not upset anyone. I am not saying that other people saw me that way, but I believe that I internalized it (and I still do). Anyone with some knowledge of psychology can see some of the troubles that may cause down the road though. One of the greatest problems is the futility of succeeding at that in a family of unhappy people, and also the near impossibility of making someone else happy.... it is something that I still nearly constantly struggle with.

There is obviously a lot more that I can say about my birth family - I have barely scratched the surface on that. But one of the very neat things about growing up is helping to create new families, and I am very fortunate to have a pretty great family of my own. I didn't really plan to get married, but I ended up getting married pretty young. There have been times when I have thought that was not the best choice, but I do not regret it. I love my husband, and I think that being married for over 15 years is pretty great for someone who is practically terrified of commitment! I admit that I woke up the day after my wedding and was overwhelmed and scared and wished I could change my mind....but luckily I couldn't and I didn't and I'm still here. Likewise having children was a huge decision that also terrified me (talk about commitment!), and there are still innumerable times when I worry about my parenting, but I am blessed with two really wonderful kids. Although I wish they were more confident and driven, I honestly feel honored to be their mother - they are just really terrific people and I manage to like them more all the time.

Here in New Zealand we are spending a lot of time with just the four of us. Sometimes it feels like it is just us against the world, but mostly it is just us in the world. The kids are 13 and 10 (almost 11), and it is a great time to spend with them. I really truly enjoy their company. Being me, I still need time to myself and I will go off on my own and hike or read or do yoga or whatever, but I think we are all getting to know each other better and every day I am thankful for this time with them. The past year, especially, was a tough one for us and this sabbatical was really needed for all of us. Some of the lessons along the way have certainly been painful, but I appreciate where we are right now. Hopefully it will help give us the strength to get through whatever else comes our way.

Sabbatical Half-Time Report

So... we have been in New Zealand for over 2 months now... our sabbatical is more than half over. Time to take a half-time break and reflect.....

I'm not sure what most people think of when they hear "sabbatical". There are a few different definitions, but essentially it is used as a time to get away and try something new. Most people think of it as a luxury, and obviously since I have been able to hike around here in New Zealand I can certainly appreciate that. But I do want to point out that nothing comes for free and we have worked pretty hard in order to get here (and being here isn't all cushy either).

This is actually my husband's second sabbatical. The first one was spent mostly at home though, and he learned that it is tough to get away when you are still in town... it really was not a sabbatical. This time around we decided we'd better get as far away as possible, hence New Zealand. Of course only a year before the sabbatical, the business I worked at went for sale (with the threat of closing down if no one bought it), so I bought it... exponentially adding to my responsibilities. Even though I had a year to prepare, it really was a pretty overwhelming transition. If it wasn't for the internet, I would not have been able to come on this sabbatical because I still have so many responsibilities at home. Bruce, as well, still has students at Purdue that he is working with and he has weekly conference calls to attend to. And of course bills still need to be paid at home.... so really we are almost living a double life.

The "double life" thing is really sort of a feeling of keeping track of 2 lives at once. My computer has 2 clocks - 1 set to my time here, and 1 set to my time back home in Indiana. My brain is constantly trying to keep track of both. The time change is pretty great, and rather surreal because we are 17 hours ahead (it recently changed when Indiana "sprang forward", and it will change again once we "fall back" soon). At any rate, it is a day ahead here, and that is pretty funky. But it keeps life interesting. It will be interesting again when time stands still for awhile while we fly back home in May......

So we are living in Christchurch, New Zealand. We are living in the city - on the edge of the downtown area - but the city isn't huge and the beach is 15 minutes away, and mountains not much farther. The climate is fantastic. We have a short-term rental in an upstairs flat of an old house. Our carpet is really old and very much like the fake-grass carpet at a mini-golf place, our appliances are old and small, and we are still living out of suitcases (although we did rent some furniture). We have just 4 small plates, 4 bowls, 4 glasses, and silverware, and we hand-wash all our dishes. We do have a clothes washer, but we hang our clothes to dry. And we do not have a car (I wrote about transportation earlier). I have a much greater appreciation for conveniences that I miss now, but I also realize that some things really aren't necessary... it is good to experience.

The kids are going to school here, and they are almost to the end of their school term. I think it has been a really great experience for them. Both kids wear uniforms to school here, and it isn't too bad. The worst problem we've had is Lex's shoes, and cold legs on some mornings (she has to wear a dress). But both kids have made some good friends and I think they have really enjoyed it. I think they will need to do some math this summer to make sure they are caught up with their schools at home, but I know they'll be fine.

My goals have been mostly to catch up on some of my business work (mostly financial stuff), get back into an exercise routine (the past year I really slacked off), and get outside as much as possible. For the most part I am succeeding. I am happiest when I am out hiking amongst the Eucalyptus trees.... with a refreshing wind blowing and the ocean in the distance..... heaven. I had also hoped to do more writing, but that has been more sporadic. But that's okay. It does take more time to do laundry and dishes and cooking too. And of course walking everywhere takes more time. I love it though.

A little over a week ago we went to Kaikoura and did a whale watch cruise. We were lucky to see 2 sperm whales and hundreds of dolphins. I cannot even begin to express the profound feelings I had...there just aren't the proper words, and to try to use words to describe it just doesn't do it justice. Just...wow. It was definitely one of the best experiences of my life, and it was really not that exciting - just really profound. That's really all I can say.


A lot of my daily pleasure comes from my walks to and from Lex's school. She is attending Avonside Girls High School, and like the name says it is on the side of the Avon River. The river is really like a creek, but it is a nice one, and I walk along it and watch the ducks and black swans. Again, there is often the smell of eucalyptus and even though I am in the city, the flowers and plants are an oasis. I am reminded of the importance of having an oasis to go to in our daily lives, and I am thankful that I can provide that to others at home. I am looking forward to cultivating that more when I get back.

Other fun experiences we have had include an actually exciting Cricket match (go figure!). We were able to attend a Twenty20 match between NZ and Australia in which NZ was able to pull off an exciting win in overtime. Apparently excitement like that is fairly rare in a cricket match so I feel pretty lucky. We also were able to attend a Rugby match that was exciting as well. We've also attended some concerts - both outdoor and in - and of course museums and such. But by far my favorite things are hiking and seeing the various animals out in the wild. In addition to the whales and dolphins and ducks, we have also been rather close to seals and albatross. They really are beautiful animals.

So that is my half-time report. I miss my home and friends, but this really is a tremendous experience. I have been able to reflect on what is most important to me and make plans for carrying that with me when I return. I think that for the kids the experience was even more valuable and I am so thankful that we were able to give them this opportunity. We've all had our ups and downs but reflecting on it really puts things in perspective.

Life is good.

Thoughts on Love

I have done a lot of writing about Love and it's various definitions, but I don't think I have posted any of that here... so I think it is time to do that.

Love is a word that means many different things and causes all kinds of emotions in people. Although I think it is an overwhelmingly positive thing, it can cause just as much pain as pleasure. As well as confusion, hope, elation, comfort, and even fear. Love is an extremely powerful thing, and I would argue that it really is the most important thing...at least for me.

The word "Love" has many different definitions, and lots has been written to further define it. Since I am here on the internet, I will post the Dictionary.com definition here:

Love:/lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv]

–noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.

14.a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

–verb (used with object)

15.to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16.to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17.to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18.to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20.to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)

21.to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

—Verb phrase

22.love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

—Idioms

23.for love,

a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.

b.without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.

24.for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.

25.in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.

26.in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.

27.make love,

a.to embrace and kiss as lovers.

b.to engage in sexual activity.

28.no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

Obviously that is a lot. Since the word "love" can mean so many different things, some people do not like it. I, on the other hand, appreciate it's vagueness because I can have it mean whatever I want. It is not static, but rather it is fluid, like water. I view love as being like a vast ocean; some days it is calm and comforting, and other days it is rough and unpleasant. It is life-sustaining, but can also make you sick. Personally I cannot live without it, but I do sometimes still hide from it.

Nothing that I write here is particularly unique. I am pretty sure it has all been said before. In many ways, writing this is probably a waste of time. But these are things I think about, and I suspect others do too. Often I think that love is the meaning of life. I also strongly believe that God is Love, so when people speak of God - or whatever term they use - it is confusing to me if it is not loving. I do not believe that there is an "opposite" to love, although since I believe strongly in the ideas of yin and yang, I do believe that there are various aspects that balance love.... things like hate and fear seem to correspond more to compassion and courage, and I think they all form aspects of love. I do believe that we can both love and hate, as well as love and fear. I believe that it all goes together.

Of course integrating all this into our day-to-day existence is rather difficult at times. It's all well and good to try to come from a place of love, but inevitably our humanity makes us stumble. We all know that loving someone doesn't mean we never hurt them. Love can be extremely painful and our scars can run deep. Some times it seems necessary to hide from love rather than feel that pain.

Love is natural but it isn't easy. At least that's my opinion. :) It is natural for me to love every living thing, but that doesn't make it easy for me. My relationship with each person or animal or plant is unique and as such it is difficult to define. But I believe that it is love, and I believe that it is good.

I love you all.