Family

As I was walking with my daughter to school today, she was asking me lots of questions about family. She is very interested in genetics and often asks about various traits; both physical and behavioral. This morning's was a good conversation that I wanted to continue (but I had to let her go to school). Walking back alone, I reflected on the idea of family more and thought about those I consider family....

My main family consists of my husband and two children. We are a "traditional" family who sometimes joke about who the .5 kid is (we also have 2 dogs, and we live in a big house with a white picket fence in Indiana). I didn't strive for this family; when I was younger I was pretty sure I would never get married and I figured that when I was ready to have kids I would have them as a single woman. I was rather dismayed when my husband asked me to marry him when I was only 23, but he's a really great guy and I just couldn't say no. We've had our ups and downs, but we've now been married for more than 15 years, and I can honestly say our relationship is better than ever. Luckily neither one of us has decided to take the easy way out, so here we are, and I feel very fortunate.

The family I grew up in - my "birth" family - was a little different, but not terribly unusual. I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota in July of 1969. I was the youngest of 4 children, and two rather unhappy parents. My three older siblings were all fairly close in age; born in '59, '61, and '64. Growing up I felt like I was ages apart being born 5 years after my closest sibling, but now it doesn't seem that far. Growing up there were times when I felt like I came from a completely different family and I felt left-out a lot. There was a lot of conflict in my family and I was always pretty sensitive to people's moods so I would find places to go to escape it. Usually it was just outside somewhere - near a tree or water (I wrote about my spot by the Mississippi River in a previous post last year). Sometimes it was just into my own mind. From an early age I did a lot of writing - lots of poems (and "songs") - but I've never been very comfortable sharing. At any rate, I think that I have always tried to avoid conflict when I can. I have also tried to resolve it when I can as well, but I know all too well that we cannot control how other people will react to things. It is still somewhat amazing to me how upset people will get when they *don't* want help resolving something....but I am learning.

My parents got divorced when I was 15 (separated when I was 14). I honestly never remember them being happily married and I was actually relieved when my dad moved out. But it was tough. I don't think there is ever a good time for parents to divorce, and being a young teenager is tough enough without it. My older siblings were all out of the house by then, except when they would return for temporary periods of time, and it was an interesting time looking back. The first year was actually wonderful; my dad had moved out and the house was quieter and calmer than it had ever been. My older brother was at home with my mom and I, but my sisters were both gone and the house was really rather peaceful. I felt happy and confident for one of the first times of my life. Unfortunately it would also be the last time for quite some time as well.... While the separation was great for me, the divorce was much worse and it coincided with some other things which drastically changed my life.

We take on roles in our families, and although we may all see and define them differently they are still there. Looking back, I think that I viewed my role in my family as the sweet, happy child. I felt that I was there to make other people happy, and to not upset anyone. I am not saying that other people saw me that way, but I believe that I internalized it (and I still do). Anyone with some knowledge of psychology can see some of the troubles that may cause down the road though. One of the greatest problems is the futility of succeeding at that in a family of unhappy people, and also the near impossibility of making someone else happy.... it is something that I still nearly constantly struggle with.

There is obviously a lot more that I can say about my birth family - I have barely scratched the surface on that. But one of the very neat things about growing up is helping to create new families, and I am very fortunate to have a pretty great family of my own. I didn't really plan to get married, but I ended up getting married pretty young. There have been times when I have thought that was not the best choice, but I do not regret it. I love my husband, and I think that being married for over 15 years is pretty great for someone who is practically terrified of commitment! I admit that I woke up the day after my wedding and was overwhelmed and scared and wished I could change my mind....but luckily I couldn't and I didn't and I'm still here. Likewise having children was a huge decision that also terrified me (talk about commitment!), and there are still innumerable times when I worry about my parenting, but I am blessed with two really wonderful kids. Although I wish they were more confident and driven, I honestly feel honored to be their mother - they are just really terrific people and I manage to like them more all the time.

Here in New Zealand we are spending a lot of time with just the four of us. Sometimes it feels like it is just us against the world, but mostly it is just us in the world. The kids are 13 and 10 (almost 11), and it is a great time to spend with them. I really truly enjoy their company. Being me, I still need time to myself and I will go off on my own and hike or read or do yoga or whatever, but I think we are all getting to know each other better and every day I am thankful for this time with them. The past year, especially, was a tough one for us and this sabbatical was really needed for all of us. Some of the lessons along the way have certainly been painful, but I appreciate where we are right now. Hopefully it will help give us the strength to get through whatever else comes our way.