The sun has set on my time in New Zealand. It is now June 1st, and I am back in Indiana.Our last few days in New Zealand were wet and cold; it is winter there and it was especially rainy. It was appropriate and made our leaving a little easier because it was so awful that we wanted to go! But it is still sad to leave such a beautiful place and I will always carry it in my heart.
We spent more than 30 hours traveling back to our home in Indiana, and although that isn't exactly fun it wasn't too terrible. We arrived at our house about 3:30am, and I only got a couple hours of sleep before my dogs woke me up...but it is great to be home.
It turned out that Sam was able to visit his old class here in West Lafayette on the last day of school, so he showed up wearing an All-Blacks jersey and carrying his rugby ball. I heard the class cheer as he walked in, which was really cool. I felt like I was drugged so luckily I didn't run into too many people, but each day gets a little bit better. Lex has already left town again and is traveling with her best friend this week. And Bruce and I have still been unpacking....there is an incredible amount to do.
Life is changed for me, and I'm not quite sure where I fit in here now. I am determined to take the lessons I've learned and live consciously and deliberately. And key to that is the word "live". I have unfortunately spent way too much of my 40 years being really rather unhappy....and really not wanting to live. I don't recommend it. I have spent a great deal of time hiding and running away from things and "living in the shadows". Needless to say, that really is not a very pleasant way to go about life. But I believe that I have faced my demons and done my penance, and I think that I am now ready for the next step on my journey in life. I am a bit wary, but optimistic.I don't think very many people will read this, and I hope that any that do will not find a way to use it against me. But really, there isn't much that anyone else can do to hurt me anymore. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've come clean and am doing my best to put the past behind me. It is all a part of me, but it doesn't have to control me anymore. I can only move forward and live each day the best I can - and I plan to do that. I am tired of making mistakes, but I have to be brave and recognize that as a human I will continue to make them....I just have to do my best to minimize the ones I do make, and to continue to make amends when I can.
It's weird to be back. It has always been kind of tough to live in the "normal" world, and now it is even tougher...I just have a different perspective about things. It is true that sometimes my head is too much in the clouds. But hey - some of those clouds are really awesome! :)Anyway, if you happen to read this and think I'm a little weird, just remember that I've been upside-down for awhile.... (although honestly, I think maybe I've spent most of my life upside-down and I finally just spent 5 months right-side up!).
Remember, life is ultimately good.
Peace and Love,
Jennifer
It's good to know you are back, and to hear that Amaterasu is feeling ready to emerge from that cave.
ReplyDeleteOne of the toughest things for performers like musicians to learn is what to do when you make a mistake. You know you've made a mistake, everyone in the audience knows (if they're listening) that you've made it, and it can't be called back, so you let it go and play on. The total performance, the energy and desire to communicate with the audience that you put into it, is more important and meaningful than a muffed note or phrase. Perfectionists have a hard time with this (I know from observation, not experience - a perfectionist I am not); but I really believe it to be true.
Oh Eric, that is so funny.... I am notorious for making a bigger deal out of mistakes and drawing more attention to them. I very famously drew great attention to myself the first time I tried to play a solo back in elementary school band... and unfortunately I am quite good at that still (drawing attention to my mistakes). ~sigh~
ReplyDeleteThe perfectionist tendencies are tough. I have laughed at the thought of being a perfectionist because I am so far from perfect...but unfortunately I am also someone who will just not do something if I can't do it as well as I'd like (but I'm working on that!).
I'm still in my cave, but I'm peeking out. I'm making progress. ;)
If you were living in the shadows, I'm guessing your light shone that much brighter. You are loved and cared for more than you know. BTW here is a "zen" lesson that my TKD Master teaches: A master and his student were walking along a path down to a river, when they met a rich woman. The woman's coach was stuck in the mud and so she demanded that the Master carry her across the river and that the student carry her bags. All the way across the river she shouted insults at the Master and the student and pointed out all of their failings. The student was very angered but the Master remained calm, carried the woman to the other side and set her down gently. The Master and the student continued walking for some time, but the student became more and more upset at the woman's words. Finally he confronted the Master, and asked him why he did not defend himself. "My student" said the Master, "I left the woman and her negativity at the side of the river. Why are you still carrying her baggage." Leave your baggage by the river. Love you. David.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back to the Wabash River Valley. Here's to casting off demons!
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