The River

I grew up not too far away from the Mississippi River. It was probably about 2-3 miles away from my house and I'd ride my bike there and skip and collect rocks and just think. I don't know how old I was when I started going there, but it was one of my favorite escapes.

I went back to my favorite spot when I was back in Minneapolis and took some pictures. The graffiti on the bridge is different, but other than that, much is the same.

I remember my mom telling me not to swim in the river because giant fish at the bottom could swallow me whole. Besides the water was pretty icky and I really had no desire to swim in it. I went there to be alone and to think. There still is nothing quite like a body of water and solitude to give me peace.

I suppose that being the youngest kid in my family made me want to get away on my own once in awhile. It seems that I was always doing what other people told me to do, and I think that I have always wanted some independence and cautious adventure. It seems that wherever I live now I need to find a place that I can go and be by myself and think and just "be".

So this was my spot when I was a kid.... it was pretty cool to see it again.

The House I Grew Up In

This is the house I grew up in. 3211 Tyler Street, Northeast Minneapolis. I went by and took some pictures last week when I visited. It's weird to go home.

I grew up in the '70's and '80's, in a family with 2 parents and 4 kids, and lots of animals. I was the youngest. There is so much that I want to write about.... but I am also afraid to open up the past... so many old wounds.

I did not have a bad childhood, but everyone has their "stuff". My mind has not been able to fully process all the memories that have been flooding through it this past week, but I wanted to at least post the picture of my house. It looks so small to me....

I will try to write more and post in small bunches. I get dizzy just trying to process it. Those stairs, that porch, my bedroom window,... I still have vivid dreams at least weekly about that house.

So many memories....

The Daughter

I have a really awesome, wonderful, cool daughter. She is almost 13 and I really dig her - she's great. She is artistic and smart and sweet and a really really wonderful person. I'm proud to be her mom.

I have had a lot of trepidation about being a mom, and I have an ongoing conflict in my head about the job I'm doing....but I also know that she will be who she is (which is really wonderful) despite anything I do as her mother. There is some solace in that.

I am also a daughter, of course. When my daughter was younger I bought the book, "Things Will Be Different for My Daughter"... but I never actually got through it. It still sits on the shelf by my bed and I still think I might make it through it, but other things take priority. I have read enough of it to get the gist of it, but there is a lot of introspection and revisiting of my own past that has been tough to get through.

It isn't that I had an awful childhood or anything. I mean, yes, I had my "stuff"...but doesn't everybody? The thing is though, that my "stuff" has led to me - at the age of 39 - to still be struggling with shyness and a sometimes crippling lack of self-confidence (and perhaps at times self-esteem, but that fluctuates). And now I hear (and say) those words about my daughter - that she is sweet but shy and needs more self-confidence.... so I want to revisit the book, which has the tag-line: "a practical guide to building her self-esteem and self-reliance from infancy through the teen years". ~sigh~ I want that for my daughter.

She is at camp right now - part-way through a 2-week camp far away with no internet or phone contact.... on this Independence Day, she is asserting her independence. I miss her. I am also really really excited about her opportunities and her daring. She is a very capable young woman (even if she *could* use a little more confidence at times). :)

I do often wonder if confidence is a partly genetic thing, or if it is just really well learned (or not learned). Unfortunately my family is riddled with a lack of it. But perhaps that is just natural self-doubt that magnifies with our ridiculous introspection. We are all very capable, but also hyper-aware of our limitations and weaknesses. We tend to feel guilty if we feel confident and egotistical so we beat ourselves up to keep the confidence and ego down. There must be a way to find balance. I'm still working on it.

So I think about my daughter, and what I can maybe do to support her and yet let her grow into who she is. I try to gently encourage her to do things she isn't comfortable doing, and to give her my thoughts on things that maybe she hasn't thought through. I hope that she knows that I love her and support her no matter what. And I certainly hope that she knows that if she gets into trouble or if anyone hurts her I will be there to help her. I hope that I am strong for her - I don't ever want her to be afraid of hurting my feelings, or telling me something that I won't be able to deal with.... I don't ever want to let her down.

I know that parents are human, and I know that I make mistakes. I know that I have already let my daughter down at times, and I hate that I have done that. It's weird to be in the position where I know that sometimes I have to let her down to give her the ability to grow, but it's also reassuring too. It helps me to reconcile things that happened to me when I was a kid as well - when my parents weren't quite what I hoped they would be. And I guess it continues to help now - when as an adult my parents still aren't quite what I hope they will be.... we are all only human, after all.

I want to be strong for my daughter. I want her to know that no matter what happens to her, I am here for her. I really hope she knows that. I have my own "stuff" that I continue to work through, but I really really hope that I will always be strong for my children.

I guess the balance is that I allow them to become strong too.... and it's a fine line between being there for them and letting them grow up and be independent. I hope I do okay.