The Daughter

I have a really awesome, wonderful, cool daughter. She is almost 13 and I really dig her - she's great. She is artistic and smart and sweet and a really really wonderful person. I'm proud to be her mom.

I have had a lot of trepidation about being a mom, and I have an ongoing conflict in my head about the job I'm doing....but I also know that she will be who she is (which is really wonderful) despite anything I do as her mother. There is some solace in that.

I am also a daughter, of course. When my daughter was younger I bought the book, "Things Will Be Different for My Daughter"... but I never actually got through it. It still sits on the shelf by my bed and I still think I might make it through it, but other things take priority. I have read enough of it to get the gist of it, but there is a lot of introspection and revisiting of my own past that has been tough to get through.

It isn't that I had an awful childhood or anything. I mean, yes, I had my "stuff"...but doesn't everybody? The thing is though, that my "stuff" has led to me - at the age of 39 - to still be struggling with shyness and a sometimes crippling lack of self-confidence (and perhaps at times self-esteem, but that fluctuates). And now I hear (and say) those words about my daughter - that she is sweet but shy and needs more self-confidence.... so I want to revisit the book, which has the tag-line: "a practical guide to building her self-esteem and self-reliance from infancy through the teen years". ~sigh~ I want that for my daughter.

She is at camp right now - part-way through a 2-week camp far away with no internet or phone contact.... on this Independence Day, she is asserting her independence. I miss her. I am also really really excited about her opportunities and her daring. She is a very capable young woman (even if she *could* use a little more confidence at times). :)

I do often wonder if confidence is a partly genetic thing, or if it is just really well learned (or not learned). Unfortunately my family is riddled with a lack of it. But perhaps that is just natural self-doubt that magnifies with our ridiculous introspection. We are all very capable, but also hyper-aware of our limitations and weaknesses. We tend to feel guilty if we feel confident and egotistical so we beat ourselves up to keep the confidence and ego down. There must be a way to find balance. I'm still working on it.

So I think about my daughter, and what I can maybe do to support her and yet let her grow into who she is. I try to gently encourage her to do things she isn't comfortable doing, and to give her my thoughts on things that maybe she hasn't thought through. I hope that she knows that I love her and support her no matter what. And I certainly hope that she knows that if she gets into trouble or if anyone hurts her I will be there to help her. I hope that I am strong for her - I don't ever want her to be afraid of hurting my feelings, or telling me something that I won't be able to deal with.... I don't ever want to let her down.

I know that parents are human, and I know that I make mistakes. I know that I have already let my daughter down at times, and I hate that I have done that. It's weird to be in the position where I know that sometimes I have to let her down to give her the ability to grow, but it's also reassuring too. It helps me to reconcile things that happened to me when I was a kid as well - when my parents weren't quite what I hoped they would be. And I guess it continues to help now - when as an adult my parents still aren't quite what I hope they will be.... we are all only human, after all.

I want to be strong for my daughter. I want her to know that no matter what happens to her, I am here for her. I really hope she knows that. I have my own "stuff" that I continue to work through, but I really really hope that I will always be strong for my children.

I guess the balance is that I allow them to become strong too.... and it's a fine line between being there for them and letting them grow up and be independent. I hope I do okay.