2011 Reflections

The morning of January 1, 2011, I walked to the beach in Hawaii and watched a sea turtle swim.... I felt like it was symbolic in some way, but I didn't know in what way. I believe that we create our own lessons and meanings to things, and that our feelings about things can change with new information and perspective. 2011 turned out much differently than I imagined it would on that January morning in Hawaii...

A couple days later, I was back in Indiana and getting ready to face some demons I had been hiding from. I didn't know at the time how dramatic things would get, but I did have a feeling of fear. It would still be a couple months before things really came to a head, and I guess I am fortunate that I did have some time to prepare, but I am still recovering from the trauma.

It seemed as if the entire world was shaking in the early part of the year; my beloved Christchurch, New Zealand suffered a horrible earthquake on the 22nd of February, and I was terribly shaken. Then on March 11th, Japan was hit by an earthquake and horrible tsunami. Not long after that, I had my own personal earthquake and tsunami.... my demons came roaring out of the shadows and into the light; and shook my world to the core. I felt split in two and tried desperately to hold myself together....but felt like a tsunami had hit me and I was floating in debris. It was one of those life-changing times that is so personal that you can't even talk about it... and I felt painfully alone. I am thankful that time is starting to heal my emotional wounds.

Looking back; much of the first part of the year is a blur. In late April, my mother went to the doctor to get her high blood pressure treated and had horrible reactions to the first couple medications she was put on. She ended up passing-out while driving on a 55 mph road and rolling down an embankment. Fortunately she came to and was able to crawl back up to the road and flag-down a truck (after many cars drove past, ignoring her), and we were able to get her to a hospital after she refused an ambulance. After a night in the hospital, she was able to go home, but a couple weeks later she passed-out again (luckily she wasn't driving that time). She ended up spending a few more days in the hospital at the beginning of June, but they still didn't seem to really figure out the issue; it seems to be really related to the blood pressure meds. Things seem to be pretty stabilized now, but it has been a tough time.

The summer sunshine helped to begin the healing, and my work and family brought much needed stability to my heart. My husband and I did a raw-food cleanse which helped jump-start getting back to a more healthy diet, and I re-assessed my priorities and have re-committed to being my own best friend. Bruce and I celebrated his birthday by taking a trek to the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee; a hot, dusty experience... but good fun and a really much needed great escape for us.

Our kids began high school and junior high this year, and although life here in Indiana isn't glamorous; I have a renewed appreciation for the comfort and security I have. I know that I am fortunate and I am very thankful for what I have.... I do not take it for granted.

2012 will not begin in the paradise of Hawaii, or with the anticipation of a sabbatical in New Zealand. This year I will be at my home in Indiana; and that is appropriate, because I am ready to be home. This coming year I do not want to run away, and I am hopeful that I can face my demons and be joyful for my good fortune. I know there will still be ups and downs, but I feel like I have made peace with my adolescent self and am more comfortable in my adult skin.... there is hope where only a few months ago there was almost overwhelming fear and sadness.

As I reflect on 2011, I am still a bit sad about how I handled some things... but the mourning period is over and I can look with hope into the distance and breathe deeply and peacefully. I can remember my New Year's Day turtle and feel like she was telling me to be careful and patient....that things would be rocky and turbulent, but there would be calm in the end. She really helped me get through this year....

I hope that 2012 is a more peaceful year than 2011, but I feel like I have more tools to deal with whatever comes my way as well. I really have learned a lot of lessons this past year, and although I am still healing, I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am making peace with things that happened years ago, and although I don't enjoy the pain I do appreciate that my life journey continues to teach me and help me grow every day. My heart is healing and my soul is stronger. I am more protective of my family and friends, and although I am forgiving, I am not weak in my forgiveness. A couple years ago I used this: "I'm not as nice as some of you think I am, but my kindness is a strength...and I'm pretty damn strong." I am re-claiming my strength.

Morrissey Musings

Last night I was one of *those* people.... an audience member who watched one of her favorite artists, with tears streaming down her face. Damn Morrissey!

It isn't the first time I have had tears at a concert - quite often I am moved to teary-eyes - but usually I can stop the flow down my cheeks with some deep breaths, blinking, or digging my nails into my palms. And in fact, the first few songs last night I did just that. But within moments of the start of "There is a Light That Never Goes Out", it was hopeless. Cue the puddles. :(

I am not a fan of public displays of emotion on my part. I much prefer to keep my raw feelings behind closed doors, where I can experience them in private and then write about them later. :) I will go to painful lengths to hide my ooey gooey insides. Fortunately I believe the audience last night was concentrating on the performance and not my wet cheeks (my daughter who was sitting next to me didn't even notice). Nevertheless I was frustrated with myself. I hoped that the next song would give me reprieve, but when Morrissey went right into "Every Day is Like Sunday", I cursed his insensitivity to my emotional fragility... and continued to wash my cheeks in salty streams. ~sigh~

Later I was able to pull myself together, and although my eyes still welled up at times they did not overflow anymore. Both my daughter and I had to cover our eyes during "Meat is Murder", and I also felt like I was going to throw up then since he is so kind as to show film of all kinds of nasty murdering for meat (the strobe lights were getting to me by then as well), but I managed to get through the rest of the concert without too much emotional turmoil.

Music often moves me, and I knew there was a risk in going to see Morrissey live. I have cried many times just listening to recorded versions of him over the years and his music has a great connection to my adolescent past, so I knew it would be more difficult to hold myself together. There are many concerts that I go to that I have to sort of close-off and not feel them fully because otherwise I would be a puddle of goo...but last night I just couldn't stop it, and I guess that is ok. Admittedly though, I am glad it was dark and no one I knew was around. :)

Middle-Aged Adolescence Part 2: brought on by a soccer game

This weekend my kids participated in their end-of-season recreational soccer league tournaments. It was a successful tournament overall with both kids playing well and my daughter's team winning the championship, and my son's team only going out in sudden-death penalty kicks (a bummer to lose, but they really were in the game the entire time). The weather was beautiful and all the games were enjoyable.

I, however, got to play referee between my parents again. Somehow, even though I moved over 500 miles away from where I grew up, I managed to have both my parents move near me... and I still have to play the separation game. It's exhausting, and it just adds to my feelings of being adolescent.

My parents separated when I was 14, and divorced when I was 15. Really, it was a relief because they never got along. My father re-married when I was 16, and for many years my parents actually managed to get along better...in part because he left my mom alone while he was married, and in part because my mother was more tolerant of him "for the sake of" us kids (or so she says).

After my father got divorced a second time, he was alone and I made the mistake of suggesting that he move near us.... a mistake because my mother was already here and it was a ticking time-bomb to have them living near each other. I actually realized that, but I wasn't going to tell him he *couldn't* live nearby, and I also hoped for the best.... but it did prove to be traumatic. My parents "tried" to be civil, but....well, it really didn't work very well. There was more than one holiday where I had to time their presence so they wouldn't have to be there at the same time, and kids' activities where I could only have one or the other there... and then all the guilt since neither of them had really any friends here.... ugh. Just not pleasant. :( So it was somewhat of a relief when my father decided to move back to Minneapolis shortly before we went on sabbatical in New Zealand.

But shortly before he moved back to Minnesota, he met a woman here.... and now he is back; living with her. I am happy for him - that he found someone - but it has made things more complicated for me again, and I feel guilty again. While he was gone, I focused on my mom, and she is alone and needs my help. Now that he is back, he has someone else to help him and he has really completely withdrawn from me....and yet I still feel guilty for not being more in touch. I am busy enough that most of the time I don't think about it. But today....

My mother has attended a lot of my kids' soccer games this fall. For most of the season, my father was traveling in Europe, so I didn't have to worry about whether he or my mother would be there....but he returned a couple weeks ago, and this weekend was the last weekend. And, my daughter has been playing well enough that she said she "wouldn't mind" her grandpa seeing her play. [To be honest, I had banned my father from my kids' soccer games for the last couple years because he was so vocally critical and negative (it was easy enough to "ban" him by just not telling him when they were). I decided that this would be a good game for him to see.]

My father is very passionate about his soccer, and really he is the reason I did *not* play soccer.... for him, it really does not seem to be a "game"... and he just doesn't seem to appreciate positive feedback. I did play a little when I was really young, but he made it so miserable.... and I was a pretty decent swimmer so I just concentrated on that. In fact, there was one time that I cried after a swimming race and my coach at the time told me that if I couldn't handle it maybe I should play soccer instead....and I was pretty determined to never cry in front of him again! I was willing to watch soccer with my dad, but I never wanted to play for him - his negative criticism was just too harsh. I had hoped that age would have mellowed him (and maybe it did!), but it didn't take long for me to decide that he did not belong on the sidelines at my kids' games.

But today I decided to try again. Rather than surprise my mom, I told her ahead of time....and she decided not to go. Although I was kinda annoyed by that, my kids understand; they have seen my parents together before and it is...uncomfortable... so I don't think they minded. But I admit it still bothers me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I did enjoy the time with my dad, and my daughter's team won the game and my dad even said some positive things about the way she played(!). But it is still exhausting to play the referee between two parents who got divorced over 25 years ago.... it just seems so .... silly? unnecessary? wrong? But it is what it is, and I try not to judge. My mother doesn't want to be around my father, and I try to respect that. One of the final straws was a few years back when he jabbed a finger in her face and told her "according to the Catholic Church, we're still married".... I guess I don't blame her for not wanting to be around that. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is....

So here I am, still feeling like a kid who has to try to keep her parents apart and keep the peace. I remember when they were still married and I tried.... it obviously didn't work then either. They still will complain about the other and tell me how awful things were, and how the other person is to blame.... ugh... it really never ends. I don't like exposing my kids to that, but I guess it is good for them to see how toxic some people can be to each other. And I do my best to point out their good qualities and be loving and caring and forgiving. I do try, and I do love them.

But it is certainly sad. It is sad to have parents who can't be in the same place together. It seems crazy after all these years...but the reality for my parents is that time has actually made it stronger and they no longer feel the need to pretend to get along for "the sake of" anyone. And really, I guess that is their prerogative. I am pretty good at changing the subject when it comes up, and usually I can keep things pleasant....but I am obviously frustrated at having to continue to do it. But I can and I will, and it will all be fine.

My name is Jennifer, and I am a Middle-Aged Adolescent. :)

Middle-Aged Adolescence

So.... I am pretty definitely middle-aged. I am, after all, 42 years old...so there really is no doubt about that! But lately I have been feeling very adolescent too. So I feel like I am going through a bit of a Middle-Aged Adolescence.

Obviously life is all about changing and growing, so this is all completely normal, right? But sometimes I feel like I didn't give myself permission to rebel when I was younger and so now the pull to be more adolescent can be pretty strong. Of course I view it all very objectively and don't actually *do* much about it.... :)



Lately I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. To be fair, I have never been very far away from her for any great length of time, but she has had some health problems in the past year and I am her main source of support so I have spent even more time with her lately. I love my mother dearly.... but... well, it's complicated (and really the reason for this blog post).



I am the youngest child of 4; the "baby". I have three older siblings, who are a bit closer in age and I felt somehow apart from them growing up. Now the difference in age doesn't seem like much (they are 5, 8, and 10 years older), but growing up it seemed much greater. I felt left-out of some things and resented for others.... but mostly I felt somehow responsible for everyone else's feelings. (cue the psychologists!) Yep, that is the underlying theme... I have always felt responsible for other people's feelings.... and now at the ripe old age of 42, I am still trying to figure out how to be "me" and not neglect others in the process.

All my sociological and psychological studies have led me to the obvious understanding that adolescence is appropriate; people should rebel and question things and figure things out when they are growing up. I'm sure I did some of that... but I am also certain that I really didn't feel like I had the right to do much of it. When I was at the appropriate age of adolescence, my family was in turmoil and I felt the responsibility to be a sweet little good child.... and really that has continued. I still get stuck in thinking I have to be "good" and "sweet" and "nice".... and I feel extremely guilty when I do things that seem selfish or mean.... when really I am probably doing things that are more balanced. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And now I have the added problem of having aging parents and adolescent kids who rely on me....

I know it is all a part of life, and it is good to question things and observe and figure things out. Usually I can look at things objectively and slow-down enough to not do really hurtful things.... but sometimes that really takes a lot of self-control! And of course sometimes I slip and blurt-out things or ignore things that I shouldn't... in other words, I am still very human. I am not a perfect child; I am not a perfect friend, or wife, or mother or business-owner either. (I am also not a perfect writer, so if you are appalled at my grammar and writing style, get over it!) I am, however, painfully aware of my imperfections and it does still cause me to withdraw and hide-out. Shy? A bit. Introverted? Somewhat. Overly-sensitive? Perhaps.

I wish I could be more out-going and friendly and confident sometimes,..., but then sometimes I am (which I can imagine is confusing to people as well!). I do try to be kind and caring and loving, but sometimes I just need to hide in my shell and protect myself as well. I still feel a very great responsibility to others and I struggle with guilt when I cannot help others. I recognize that I am human, but I also get frustrated that I don't do more.... but perhaps there is a certain balance to that after all.

Returning, Take 2

Hello Again. :)

So, here I am, trying to resurrect my blog again. I have tried a few times over the past year, but each time I left my writing unpublished. I will try a little harder to get this up this time....

So it turned out I wasn't quite ready to be back in Indiana last year. I knew I was apprehensive, but I was trying to be brave and courageous and face my fears, etc. Unfortunately I stumbled again and fell into some old patterns and nearly drowned myself. So here I am again.

Last night was a beautiful full-moon, and I am inspired to re-discover some things that I have hidden away. Unfortunately I didn't want to be back in Indiana last year, and I kept dreaming about being elsewhere.... but now I am ready to discover the beauty that is here. Sure, it isn't New Zealand...or Australia, or Hawaii, or New Mexico, or even Minnesota (which will always be in my heart)...but really there is a lot of beauty right here in Indiana, and I am ready to embrace it. I am still printing and framing pictures from my travels, but soon I hope to add some more local beauty to my walls as well....

And yes, I am cautiously peeking outside my walls again. :) But I am also more comfortable acknowledging that I like the security that my walls provide, and that is okay too. I actually have learned quite a bit the past year and even though some of the lessons seemed to be all-too-familiar, I also recognize that my understanding has transformed me yet again. I am much more at peace overall than I was a year ago.

So, here goes. In case you are reading this for the first time, this is for *me*.... it is completely self-centered. :) But I will also say that I appreciate you - no matter who you are - and I hope that you enjoy getting a glimpse into my mind. Or, if nothing else, you like the pictures. ;)

Peace and Love,
jc