2011 Reflections

The morning of January 1, 2011, I walked to the beach in Hawaii and watched a sea turtle swim.... I felt like it was symbolic in some way, but I didn't know in what way. I believe that we create our own lessons and meanings to things, and that our feelings about things can change with new information and perspective. 2011 turned out much differently than I imagined it would on that January morning in Hawaii...

A couple days later, I was back in Indiana and getting ready to face some demons I had been hiding from. I didn't know at the time how dramatic things would get, but I did have a feeling of fear. It would still be a couple months before things really came to a head, and I guess I am fortunate that I did have some time to prepare, but I am still recovering from the trauma.

It seemed as if the entire world was shaking in the early part of the year; my beloved Christchurch, New Zealand suffered a horrible earthquake on the 22nd of February, and I was terribly shaken. Then on March 11th, Japan was hit by an earthquake and horrible tsunami. Not long after that, I had my own personal earthquake and tsunami.... my demons came roaring out of the shadows and into the light; and shook my world to the core. I felt split in two and tried desperately to hold myself together....but felt like a tsunami had hit me and I was floating in debris. It was one of those life-changing times that is so personal that you can't even talk about it... and I felt painfully alone. I am thankful that time is starting to heal my emotional wounds.

Looking back; much of the first part of the year is a blur. In late April, my mother went to the doctor to get her high blood pressure treated and had horrible reactions to the first couple medications she was put on. She ended up passing-out while driving on a 55 mph road and rolling down an embankment. Fortunately she came to and was able to crawl back up to the road and flag-down a truck (after many cars drove past, ignoring her), and we were able to get her to a hospital after she refused an ambulance. After a night in the hospital, she was able to go home, but a couple weeks later she passed-out again (luckily she wasn't driving that time). She ended up spending a few more days in the hospital at the beginning of June, but they still didn't seem to really figure out the issue; it seems to be really related to the blood pressure meds. Things seem to be pretty stabilized now, but it has been a tough time.

The summer sunshine helped to begin the healing, and my work and family brought much needed stability to my heart. My husband and I did a raw-food cleanse which helped jump-start getting back to a more healthy diet, and I re-assessed my priorities and have re-committed to being my own best friend. Bruce and I celebrated his birthday by taking a trek to the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee; a hot, dusty experience... but good fun and a really much needed great escape for us.

Our kids began high school and junior high this year, and although life here in Indiana isn't glamorous; I have a renewed appreciation for the comfort and security I have. I know that I am fortunate and I am very thankful for what I have.... I do not take it for granted.

2012 will not begin in the paradise of Hawaii, or with the anticipation of a sabbatical in New Zealand. This year I will be at my home in Indiana; and that is appropriate, because I am ready to be home. This coming year I do not want to run away, and I am hopeful that I can face my demons and be joyful for my good fortune. I know there will still be ups and downs, but I feel like I have made peace with my adolescent self and am more comfortable in my adult skin.... there is hope where only a few months ago there was almost overwhelming fear and sadness.

As I reflect on 2011, I am still a bit sad about how I handled some things... but the mourning period is over and I can look with hope into the distance and breathe deeply and peacefully. I can remember my New Year's Day turtle and feel like she was telling me to be careful and patient....that things would be rocky and turbulent, but there would be calm in the end. She really helped me get through this year....

I hope that 2012 is a more peaceful year than 2011, but I feel like I have more tools to deal with whatever comes my way as well. I really have learned a lot of lessons this past year, and although I am still healing, I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am making peace with things that happened years ago, and although I don't enjoy the pain I do appreciate that my life journey continues to teach me and help me grow every day. My heart is healing and my soul is stronger. I am more protective of my family and friends, and although I am forgiving, I am not weak in my forgiveness. A couple years ago I used this: "I'm not as nice as some of you think I am, but my kindness is a strength...and I'm pretty damn strong." I am re-claiming my strength.