Trying to understand

 ...different kinds of people.

People have always fascinated me. I'm the youngest kid in my birth family and I think I was born observing others. I was (am?) notoriously shy. People fascinate me, but they also scare me. 

I have very little desire to ever hurt anyone. Or anything. I will take a bug outside instead of killing it in my house, but then I will worry that perhaps it's death will be more painful outside (but then I hope that then it will be food to another creature who needs it to survive and continue the cycle of life, so it is still better than being killed inside my house). Lol...yes, I really have thought those things. 

But back to people; I am fascinated by different people. And we are all different. Beautifully, wonderfully different. I absolutely see the beauty in everyone. Even though some really hide that beauty and seem really pretty ugly. 

I am not talking about physical beauty, though that is fascinating too (what makes someone appealing to some is not the same as to others). But I am mostly talking about the differences of people's souls, and the way we think and act. I am most particularly fascinated by how we think about and treat other people and things. And I find it really impossible to believe that there are people who are truly shallow in their thinking or feeling. I read about them, but it is beyond my comprehension. But it is absolutely fascinating. 

I look at the world through my own eyes. My comprehension necessarily is filtered through my own experiences. But I also know that there are other ways of viewing the world. So I try to understand them. 

But see, this is where it is really tricky; because people often only share what they want to share, and that isn't necessarily a true picture. So even that fascinates me. I wonder why people don't want to share who they really are...why is it so frightening? Or, if it isn't frightening, why do they want to keep other people from knowing who they are? .... and then, I wonder why I'm not more afraid of people knowing who I am....and then I think maybe I should be. 

When I am feeling more confident and strong, I think that it is incredibly sad that people are so afraid to share who they really are. What a sad world we live in where we have to hide who we are.... 

And yet, I also know that I am comfortable writing this in large part because I don't expect many people to read it! 

So then I go back to thinking that surely most people have these kinds of thoughts and just don't share them. So then, are we really all so different? 

I recently read an article that talked about Highly Sensitive People, or HSPs. And, of course, I identify as such. I have known about the "definition" for many years and every "test" I take reinforces that identity. What confuses me, still, is that supposedly only 20% or so of people identify as Highly Sensitive. I really don't understand that. I want to argue that surely people are that sensitive but they just block it because they can't handle it. Surely it is just a coping mechanism because the sensitivity is so overwhelming? I mean, I think my entire family is highly sensitive, so isn't everyone?? 

Ok, apparently it is genetic. But still. How could people survive if they aren't sensitive to their surroundings? Isn't there something about survival of the fittest and don't we, as a species, have to be sensitive to survive? So it must be more than 20%. 

And now I want to study it more.

So of course I will. I will continue to read about people, and to observe. And ask questions when I can. And be frustrated when people won't share more of their own thoughts with me. But also continue to accept that they have the right to not share...I absolutely respect your desire to not share. 

I do think I understand that there are people in this world that do want to hurt other people. And I definitely understand that we can still hurt other people even if we don't want to. I know that far too well. That is possibly my greatest curse; that all I want to do is make the world a better place and to help people, but unfortunately I still hurt people. I have a rather long list of people who I have cared about and tried to be friends with who have pushed me away. I try to protect people from me, but when I let my boundaries slip it usually ends badly. But I'm aware and try to be careful now. I do feel bad for all the people I have hurt over the years; it was never intentional, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less. 

So maybe that is usually the case with other people? They don't mean to hurt other people, but they are stupid and not careful enough, and it happens anyway? And instead of trying to understand and make amends or apologize, they just run away? Or, do they really just not care? 

I care. I am always trying to understand. I feel bad about people I have hurt over 40 years ago, and especially anyone I have hurt in the last year. I try to be a better person now than I was yesterday. I try to make up for my mistakes. And I try to understand.