Reclaiming February 13th and Valentine's Day

I have previously written about Anniversary Reactions https://jc-tome.blogspot.com/2012/04/anniversary-reactions.html and a little bit about the trauma from when I was fifteen https://jc-tome.blogspot.com/2012/02/when-i-was-fifteen-introduction.html (and other places).  For many years I also referenced February 13th as a particularly traumatic anniversary, and even did some specific PTSD treatment for. Although my trauma was not limited to that date, February 13th was a date that for decades would cause Anniversary Reactions in my body. And being associated with Valentine's Day, I have often struggled with the whole obnoxious holiday. 

But I have finally reclaimed that. 

Valentine's Day is one of those uncomfortable holidays anyway; as kids we might give Valentines to all our classmates, but what we write in them can vary. It can be sweet and innocent, but it can also be extremely cruel.  Often it can become a very public display of popularity and a worse public display of bullying. As kids get older it becomes even more sensitive as kids either wear their hearts on their sleeves, or refuse to acknowledge any feelings. I'm sure most of us have memories of feeling shunned by someone we liked, or simply ignored. It didn't matter that most of our classmates were also being ignored; the ones who got elaborate Valentine's gifts always let us know that we were not as well loved. 

I don't remember anything really horrible happening as a kid, but I do have these vague feelings of rejection. I know I was always uncomfortable. I dreaded Valentine's Day enough that I always considered staying home from school. I was too serious of a student to do that though. But it was always a day that made me feel like I wasn't good enough; that I was somehow lacking. 

The date took on a more sinister meaning when I was a senior in high school.

Friday February 13, 1987 was not yet Valentine's Day when I went off to see a movie with a co-worker. We were not dating, and I naively thought he was my friend, but I was also very nervous. For good reason. I was a ridiculously innocent 17 year old high school student, and he was a 26 year-old man who really lived in a different world. We were going to see Platoon in a theater, but when I went to his place he wasn't ready and was upset because his car had been repossessed that day. 

I was in way over my head, but tried to play it cool. It was complicated; he was a big strong guy with biceps as big as my head who worked in the weight room at the YWCA where I was a lifeguard. He was sort of the strong silent type and I mistook his interest in me as an older brother kinda thing. Did I mention I was naïve?? We missed the movie and stayed at his apartment, and the night spun completely out of control for me.

For years - decades even - I remembered that it was Friday the 13th and a Full Moon. I didn't even fully realize that by the time things went really really wrong for me, it was actually after midnight and therefore Valentine's Day. 

I had a good friend that dragged me to a rape crisis center the next day, but I still tried to pretend I was fine and it wasn't a big deal. I didn't let my family know for well over a year, and that was only after another rape in college and some more serious suicide plans. I would always have visceral physical reactions to all things Valentine's Day, but I still tried to ignore the truth. 

For me, my "Me Too" experiences were all tied together. When I was a young athlete running, I was chased and grabbed more than once. As a lifeguard I got so many comments from young guys and older men that I just accepted it as part of the job. That didn't make it any easier though. I was fortunate when I was younger to date guys who were courteous and respectful. Until those times when I was 15 and then 17 and then 18 when they weren't. And what happens when you say no or plead with someone to stop, or actually push them away and try to fight back and they still don't stop?.... well, as a lot of people can tell you, it can really mess you up. 

I was really messed up for a lot of years. My poor husband - and even my kids - have had to deal with being woken up in the middle of the night by my screams as I fight someone off in a night terror. The night terrors are usually stronger when I am triggered by a memory.  Or an anniversary.  February 13th, and 14th, used to be big triggers. 

I can pretty confidently say that I have reclaimed these dates now. They will always be a part of my history, but they don't have the power they used to have over me. I know that some people might read this and wonder why I want to re-visit the past. Why do I want to remember? And I think I understand that some people can push things back into the dark and forget about them. But for me, if I try to hide something painful, it just grows more powerful in the dark. For me; it is important that I bring some of these things out into the light every now and again to shine some of my strength on them and keep them in the past. 

I avoided admitting what happened to me for years, and it had a sinister hold on me for far too long. I recognize that I don't need to share this with all of you now, but I also hope that by sharing I can help some of you to confront some of your own demons that you hide in the dark. Just because bad things happen to us doesn't mean that we are bad people. And, we are not alone. We can help each other get stronger and reclaim our past "bad dates" (in more ways than one). 

So, Happy Valentine's Day. It's still a stupid holiday, and I know a lot of people have not been able to "reclaim" it's hold on them. But it's a good excuse to eat chocolate, and throw some whipped cream on things. And here in the Northern Hemisphere the days are slowly getting longer. So, I hope if you read this you are hanging in there, and if possible I hope you have a good day. ❤ 💗 😗