Reflections on My Pandemic Year

 

from my calendar in February 2020

It has been a full year since the Pandemic started, and I have been reflecting on how things have changed for me personally. I have been very fortunate in many ways, but it has still be a difficult year. 

I knew that 2020 was going to be a year of change. There were a lot of things set to change in my life personally, and I knew the 2020 election was going to be pivotal. I also dabble in astrology and I was aware that there were some big planetary "energies" going on, so I was trying to be open to things. I started the year nervously excited about the year ahead. But that doesn't mean that I was prepared for a pandemic.

I remember when Kobe Bryant died, and how it felt like something even bigger than the tragedy that it was.  I remember first hearing about Covid-19, before it even had that name, and being genuinely worried that it could become a pandemic. I actually remember the stock market from the beginning of the year, and thinking that it was destined to crash, but not fully knowing how or why. I'm not psychic; I'm just observant. 

My father had his 90th birthday last year, and we were trying to plan a big celebration. His birthday was in April, and in January and February we were still trying to make plans, but one of my sisters lives in Seattle and it wasn't looking good. By the time his birthday came around, we were all in lockdown and we could only call and send email. Fortunately, he is still alive, and has now been vaccinated and will hopefully be able to celebrate his 91st birthday. And maybe some of us can visit him. 

At the beginning of March, I still had clients scheduled but I started to be concerned. By the end of the second week in March, the Big Ten was cancelling all their sporting events and I shut down my business. 

When I look back, the month of February was when the pandemic really started for me. We could see it coming but we didn't know how soon or how bad. It was like the mud was swirling; we didn't know what was happening. That continued, and still continues to some extent today. Things are much clearer than they were a year ago, but there is still a lot of mud swirling around. 

I personally have managed to stay healthy. My immediate family has managed to stay healthy, and nobody in my extended family has gotten sick enough to require hospitalization. We are fortunate (we are also a pretty small family). But that doesn't mean that we have been unscathed..  No one with a heart could get through the past year unscathed.

I have been fortunate to be able to weather the storm in the safety of my home, with my family. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel pain from knowing of others who are not so fortunate. I do not understand how people cannot care about other people. I do not understand how the pain that others feel is not enough to try to alleviate that pain. Why would we need to experience pain ourselves to care? Why is empathy not enough? Why do so many people not care about other people?

I still believe that there are more "good" people than "bad" people. I still believe that most people do care about others. But damn are there a lot of selfish assholes out in the world. Seeing so much of that this past year is profoundly disappointing. 

I also believe that much of the conflict in the world has more to do with miscommunication and misunderstanding than straight-up asshole-ery. (what? that's not a real word?!)... Unfortunately sometimes people get hung up on some kind of self-righteous need to be misunderstood. Or refusal to forgive. Or, they just like being an asshole. 

I've witnessed a few too many assholes this past year. I'm sure you have too. There have been those who simply say something mean, or ignore someone when they are in pain. Then there are those who refuse to wear masks that could protect others, or purposely repeat misinformation. And of course there are those who physically assault other people or destroy property. This is not innocent ignorance. This is blatant disrespect for others. This is believing that your right to kill other people is more important than a little inconvenience. And it's profoundly disappointing that so many people just don't care. 

On the other hand, of course, I've also witnessed a lot of kindness and compassion and courage this past year, as well. And I hope you have too. It is unfortunate that assholes get so much publicity when there really is so much good stuff too. Of course pain is significant, but beauty is significant too. I am often guilty of focusing on the yucky stuff, but this year I have also been very blessed and I have learned to appreciate the peaceful and beautiful moments all around me. 

I am blessed to have two wonderful old dogs who I have been able to spend many more hours near, because I have stayed home with them. They are two angels in fur coats, and their snoring and gentle old movements help me stay in the moment, and at peace. Although I closed my business for most of the year, I have been able to spend more time at home making use of my recently remodeled kitchen and bathroom. I have been able to enjoy learning to prepare more yummy foods, and take long relaxing baths. And I have been able to spend more time writing, which I find indulgent. My pandemic year has allowed me to slow down. It forced a sabbatical for me, and although I lost a lot of money, I didn't lose my house or my life. I did lose a couple friends this past year, and that still crushes me, but I am trying to appreciate the past while honoring the present. I have been in mourning, not only for the friends that I lost, but also for all the millions of people who I have never met who lost their lives or are in pain. And for all the relationships that have been broken by misunderstanding or malice. 

I still dream of a world where there are less assholes. I still hope that people will be more willing to apologize and speak their truth and listen. With compassion. It shouldn't take abnormal strength of character to communicate caringly. But too often people are not willing to take the time to understand each other. And too often people aren't willing to share the way they feel. How did we all get so judgmental? Why can't we all just care about each other? 

My Pandemic Year has ultimately been a good one. I have had the time to reflect and grow spiritually, and spend time with my family. I know I am really fortunate. That doesn't mean it hasn't been painful, by any means! But I guess I am learning to appreciate the painful times because I know they have helped me grow stronger. And I do truly appreciate the good times. I appreciate kindness and compassion, and thoughtfulness, and communication. 

And if you read this, I appreciate you. 💛