Today is the last day of March. I've wanted to write a little more for awhile now, but I've been busy with work and haven't been able to focus and sit down to write. I am writing now, without a plan, but I am marching forward nonetheless.
I've said this before, but I write these posts knowing that not many people will read them. It still surprises me when someone says that they do. But enough people have let me know that they appreciate them that I figure it is worth continuing. So, for those of you that read these words; this is for you. 💚
It is Spring here in the Midwestern US. Today is a sunny, windy and cool day. My two old dogs lay near me as I type on my computer. Their breathing alternates between sweet snores and coos, with an occasional sigh or stretch and swallow. They are both 13 years old this year, and I am thankful every day that they are alive. I know that each day is a blessing.
I am at the stage in my life when I am more surrounded by aging; aging dogs, and also aging parents. Along with the morbid atmosphere that has surrounded the pandemic for the past year, I have been acutely aware of the slowing down and impending doom I sometimes feel about death. But again, I try to appreciate each day that we all live. Both my parents are still alive, but they have also been talking about dying for decades, it seems. I suppose that sort of morbidity can seem bleak, but I try to use it as a reminder to appreciate things. And, I do.
I've mentioned before that I spent many years of my life not wanting to be alive. I was a very sad child and adolescent, and it took a lot of therapy and time to work through things and change my thinking. I am still a moody person, but now I recognize that my moods are a bit like the Midwestern weather; just be patient and it will change. So I enjoy the "good" moods, and I "get through" the not-so-good moods, knowing that they will pass. Of course I have strategies and skills for helping the "bad" moods pass more quickly or less painfully now too. When I was younger I worried that the darkness would swallow me up and control me forever. But now I know that I am strong enough to wait it out and get back to the light.
I try to use my experiences with depression and anxiety to help others. I am not a psycho-therapist, but I am a massage therapist, and I can give people emotional support. Usually I give others what I want people to give me; energetic support, and sometimes the knowledge that someone else cares. I don't try to solve other people's problems, but I do want them to know that I care and support them emotionally on their own journeys. As a massage therapist, I can also help their muscles relax if they come into my office, but the emotional/energetic support is there regardless of distance. If they/you want it.
I often wonder what I can do to help others, without it becoming too much. Too much for me or for them. I need to keep a safe bubble around myself, for emotional protection. My job allows me to do that. In friendships, that isn't always as easy to do. I have made mistakes in the past of letting my boundaries be too wobbly, so I am aware of the dangers. It is nice to feel the closeness of a good friend....but people often want different things and we don't always communicate very well. And I am wary of becoming attached to people.
But life is a dance, and I am constantly dancing between attachment and non-attachment. I practice various philosophies and observe my feelings. And I try to communicate. And I practice forgiveness and try to keep a sense of humor about things. And I breathe and I dance and I laugh, and I live.
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