Marching Forward (random thoughts)

 Today is the last day of March. I've wanted to write a little more for awhile now, but I've been busy with work and haven't been able to focus and sit down to write. I am writing now, without a plan, but I am marching forward nonetheless. 

I've said this before, but I write these posts knowing that not many people will read them. It still surprises me when someone says that they do. But enough people have let me know that they appreciate them that I figure it is worth continuing. So, for those of you that read these words; this is for you. 💚

It is Spring here in the Midwestern US. Today is a sunny, windy and cool day. My two old dogs lay near me as I type on my computer. Their breathing alternates between sweet snores and coos, with an occasional sigh or stretch and swallow. They are both 13 years old this year, and I am thankful every day that they are alive. I know that each day is a blessing. 

I am at the stage in my life when I am more surrounded by aging; aging dogs, and also aging parents. Along with the morbid atmosphere that has surrounded the pandemic for the past year, I have been acutely aware of the slowing down and impending doom I sometimes feel about death. But again, I try to appreciate each day that we all live. Both my parents are still alive, but they have also been talking about dying for decades, it seems. I suppose that sort of morbidity can seem bleak, but I try to use it as a reminder to appreciate things. And, I do. 

I've mentioned before that I spent many years of my life not wanting to be alive. I was a very sad child and adolescent, and it took a lot of therapy and time to work through things and change my thinking. I am still a moody person, but now I recognize that my moods are a bit like the Midwestern weather; just be patient and it will change. So I enjoy the "good" moods, and I "get through" the not-so-good moods, knowing that they will pass. Of course I have strategies and skills for helping the "bad" moods pass more quickly or less painfully now too. When I was younger I worried that the darkness would swallow me up and control me forever. But now I know that I am strong enough to wait it out and get back to the light. 

I try to use my experiences with depression and anxiety to help others. I am not a psycho-therapist, but I am a massage therapist, and I can give people emotional support. Usually I give others what I want people to give me; energetic support, and sometimes the knowledge that someone else cares. I don't try to solve other people's problems, but I do want them to know that I care and support them emotionally on their own journeys. As a massage therapist, I can also help their muscles relax if they come into my office, but the emotional/energetic support is there regardless of distance. If they/you want it. 

I often wonder what I can do to help others, without it becoming too much. Too much for me or for them. I need to keep a safe bubble around myself, for emotional protection. My job allows me to do that. In friendships, that isn't always as easy to do. I have made mistakes in the past of letting my boundaries be too wobbly, so I am aware of the dangers. It is nice to feel the closeness of a good friend....but people often want different things and we don't always communicate very well. And I am wary of becoming attached to people. 

But life is a dance, and I am constantly dancing between attachment and non-attachment. I practice various philosophies and observe my feelings. And I try to communicate. And I practice forgiveness and try to keep a sense of humor about things. And I breathe and I dance and I laugh, and I live. 

Friendship Timelines

I am very fascinated by the concept of time in relationships, and how each person spends their time differently, and views the value of that time differently. I am fascinated in the amount of time that people like to spend with each other, versus how much time some of us also need to be alone. And, how much some of us can feel connected and close to someone when we are apart, versus needing to be in physical proximity to them. I am fascinated that some people cling to relationships and want them to last forever, while others welcome change and are quick to move on. I am eternally fascinated by people, and their behavior, and especially by relationships. 

I am someone who likes to keep people in my life. I like to think that we can always reconcile our differences and disagreements, and come to a place of kindness, if not friendship. I see the potential, if not "good", in everyone, and I always hope that anything less than that will be a mistake and therefore something that can be apologized for and made amends for. 

Although I *know* that not everyone else is like this, I still do not fully comprehend that not everyone is like this.  So I try to ask questions, and I try to understand human differences. No judgment, just curiosity.

Friendship is also a term that is fascinating to me. The definition of a "friend" versus an "acquaintance" has become especially wobbly since the advent and popular use of Facebook, where the term "friend" is used for any kind of social connection. Much can (and is) said about the whole "social" experiment of Facebook and other social media enterprises, and I can absolutely see all kinds of good and bad issues with it. But again, I like to focus on the more positive aspects, so I still participate, albeit inconsistently.

At various times in my life, I have identified as being "introverted" or "shy" or having "social anxiety". I am "highly sensitive" and especially uncomfortable in crowds. I do not trust large groups of people, for good reason. I can be incredibly disappointed in human behavior, and yet I also genuinely like most people when I get to know them. I am absolutely wary of group think and behavior, but believe in the best of the individual. 

So, back to the title and beginning of this essay: I believe that friendships are a type of relationship, and I believe that they all have their own timelines. For my own life, I like to keep those timelines open. I love to hear from old friends who I maybe haven't been in touch with for a few years. Even if the last interaction we had was a misunderstanding or less-than-positive, I still welcome communication. People change and hopefully grow, and I genuinely care about all living things. But I especially care about people who I have interacted with in my life, whenever that was. And honestly, double-bonus if it was a disagreement or misunderstanding and you've grown and want to explain things in a more forgiving way. Or, if you felt slighted and want to ask why....maybe there was a lack of awareness or confusion. 

I have often wondered what the statute of limitations on apologies might be. But then I also wonder if there are things that I should apologize for that I don't even know about. Communication is so crucial, and yet so clumsy at times. 

At any rate, I wish there was more time to really connect and communicate with people because I genuinely care about everyone. But I also really value my time alone and I need to protect that as well. So I do energy work and hope that it does reach people. Whenever and however they need it.

I keep my heart open to connections.  And although my door might not be open, my emails are. 

☮💛

Reflections on My Pandemic Year

 

from my calendar in February 2020

It has been a full year since the Pandemic started, and I have been reflecting on how things have changed for me personally. I have been very fortunate in many ways, but it has still be a difficult year. 

I knew that 2020 was going to be a year of change. There were a lot of things set to change in my life personally, and I knew the 2020 election was going to be pivotal. I also dabble in astrology and I was aware that there were some big planetary "energies" going on, so I was trying to be open to things. I started the year nervously excited about the year ahead. But that doesn't mean that I was prepared for a pandemic.

I remember when Kobe Bryant died, and how it felt like something even bigger than the tragedy that it was.  I remember first hearing about Covid-19, before it even had that name, and being genuinely worried that it could become a pandemic. I actually remember the stock market from the beginning of the year, and thinking that it was destined to crash, but not fully knowing how or why. I'm not psychic; I'm just observant. 

My father had his 90th birthday last year, and we were trying to plan a big celebration. His birthday was in April, and in January and February we were still trying to make plans, but one of my sisters lives in Seattle and it wasn't looking good. By the time his birthday came around, we were all in lockdown and we could only call and send email. Fortunately, he is still alive, and has now been vaccinated and will hopefully be able to celebrate his 91st birthday. And maybe some of us can visit him. 

At the beginning of March, I still had clients scheduled but I started to be concerned. By the end of the second week in March, the Big Ten was cancelling all their sporting events and I shut down my business. 

When I look back, the month of February was when the pandemic really started for me. We could see it coming but we didn't know how soon or how bad. It was like the mud was swirling; we didn't know what was happening. That continued, and still continues to some extent today. Things are much clearer than they were a year ago, but there is still a lot of mud swirling around. 

I personally have managed to stay healthy. My immediate family has managed to stay healthy, and nobody in my extended family has gotten sick enough to require hospitalization. We are fortunate (we are also a pretty small family). But that doesn't mean that we have been unscathed..  No one with a heart could get through the past year unscathed.

I have been fortunate to be able to weather the storm in the safety of my home, with my family. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel pain from knowing of others who are not so fortunate. I do not understand how people cannot care about other people. I do not understand how the pain that others feel is not enough to try to alleviate that pain. Why would we need to experience pain ourselves to care? Why is empathy not enough? Why do so many people not care about other people?

I still believe that there are more "good" people than "bad" people. I still believe that most people do care about others. But damn are there a lot of selfish assholes out in the world. Seeing so much of that this past year is profoundly disappointing. 

I also believe that much of the conflict in the world has more to do with miscommunication and misunderstanding than straight-up asshole-ery. (what? that's not a real word?!)... Unfortunately sometimes people get hung up on some kind of self-righteous need to be misunderstood. Or refusal to forgive. Or, they just like being an asshole. 

I've witnessed a few too many assholes this past year. I'm sure you have too. There have been those who simply say something mean, or ignore someone when they are in pain. Then there are those who refuse to wear masks that could protect others, or purposely repeat misinformation. And of course there are those who physically assault other people or destroy property. This is not innocent ignorance. This is blatant disrespect for others. This is believing that your right to kill other people is more important than a little inconvenience. And it's profoundly disappointing that so many people just don't care. 

On the other hand, of course, I've also witnessed a lot of kindness and compassion and courage this past year, as well. And I hope you have too. It is unfortunate that assholes get so much publicity when there really is so much good stuff too. Of course pain is significant, but beauty is significant too. I am often guilty of focusing on the yucky stuff, but this year I have also been very blessed and I have learned to appreciate the peaceful and beautiful moments all around me. 

I am blessed to have two wonderful old dogs who I have been able to spend many more hours near, because I have stayed home with them. They are two angels in fur coats, and their snoring and gentle old movements help me stay in the moment, and at peace. Although I closed my business for most of the year, I have been able to spend more time at home making use of my recently remodeled kitchen and bathroom. I have been able to enjoy learning to prepare more yummy foods, and take long relaxing baths. And I have been able to spend more time writing, which I find indulgent. My pandemic year has allowed me to slow down. It forced a sabbatical for me, and although I lost a lot of money, I didn't lose my house or my life. I did lose a couple friends this past year, and that still crushes me, but I am trying to appreciate the past while honoring the present. I have been in mourning, not only for the friends that I lost, but also for all the millions of people who I have never met who lost their lives or are in pain. And for all the relationships that have been broken by misunderstanding or malice. 

I still dream of a world where there are less assholes. I still hope that people will be more willing to apologize and speak their truth and listen. With compassion. It shouldn't take abnormal strength of character to communicate caringly. But too often people are not willing to take the time to understand each other. And too often people aren't willing to share the way they feel. How did we all get so judgmental? Why can't we all just care about each other? 

My Pandemic Year has ultimately been a good one. I have had the time to reflect and grow spiritually, and spend time with my family. I know I am really fortunate. That doesn't mean it hasn't been painful, by any means! But I guess I am learning to appreciate the painful times because I know they have helped me grow stronger. And I do truly appreciate the good times. I appreciate kindness and compassion, and thoughtfulness, and communication. 

And if you read this, I appreciate you. 💛