Returning

As I write this, my father is returning to Minneapolis - my birth place, where I grew up, and the place that I still feel is my true home. He is moving back there after spending a few years here in Indiana near me. At the age of 79, he is moving back to be closer to my brother and friends that he has left there. Although in some ways I am sad to have him go, it is time.

My father was born in 1930 in a small town in Northern Italy. He came to this country in his 20's and is definitely "old school". He, like everyone, is a product of where he grew up, and although he tries to be open-minded and liberal, he is also very stuck in his not-so-open-minded and really hurtful ways as well...and he is incredibly lacking in self-awareness. It can be really painful to be his daughter. I was reminded of this just 2 days ago when I was helping him get ready to move and he managed to essentially put blame on me for something really awful that happened to me when I was 15... at the hands of a 26 year-old man who was the son of some of his friends in Italy. His words and his complete lack of understanding at what he was saying were a bit of a punctuation mark on our relationship.

I envy girls who have fathers - or dads - who are strong and loving. My father... well, he is who he is. I love him, and I forgive him for not being stronger and more loving, but it is really sad to hear the words that come out of his mouth sometimes. It breaks my heart to see a man so lacking in self-awareness and caring for his own children. It is a challenge for me to not give in to anger or pity. It is one of my great struggles in this life.

I have joked about getting rid of my father - of sending him back to Minnesota, and being glad to get rid of him. But it isn't that simple. He is a part of me and coming to terms with who he is and what I have learned from him, and what my children have learned.... well, we will continue to learn. He is a fascinating man who can be fun and charismatic. He is a man of extremes; a child of the depression and World War II, who crossed the ocean in search of a better life, learned a new language, and professes to care deeply about the less fortunate....and yet he rails about people and things in ways that are truly contradictory to those supposed convictions. He finds inordinate pleasure in really simple things, and becomes irrationally angry at others. He is certainly confusing and contradictory and ... human. :)

I have wanted to write about my father for quite some time. It is difficult. On the one hand, these are private thoughts, but there is also a certain power in sharing. My father can say (and has said) some really awful things, and it has raised the question in my mind about the power in words. He is, and has been, absolutely verbally abusive...but very rarely has it escalated into physical actions. He blows a lot of hot air. I have to admit that he uses what he has, and what he has is not a large physical presence. Sadly it has led me to really be wary of other little guys ("men" of smaller stature), and more sadly I have been right about quite a few of them (incidentally I have also had my issues with larger men too so it is not just about size...).


There is absolutely power in words...and yet I want to believe that we can control their lasting effects. I am continually learning lessons from the past and the present, and hopefully rewriting my future.

Returning. I titled this post "Returning" because not only is my father returning to MN, but I am returning to my own life in some ways. I recently had a pretty bad case of the flu that really knocked me out, and before that I was busy trying to find my footing on this next chapter in my life. I've taken some detours and I believe that I am returning to my self. I am always learning.

Catch you later -
jc

The River

I grew up not too far away from the Mississippi River. It was probably about 2-3 miles away from my house and I'd ride my bike there and skip and collect rocks and just think. I don't know how old I was when I started going there, but it was one of my favorite escapes.

I went back to my favorite spot when I was back in Minneapolis and took some pictures. The graffiti on the bridge is different, but other than that, much is the same.

I remember my mom telling me not to swim in the river because giant fish at the bottom could swallow me whole. Besides the water was pretty icky and I really had no desire to swim in it. I went there to be alone and to think. There still is nothing quite like a body of water and solitude to give me peace.

I suppose that being the youngest kid in my family made me want to get away on my own once in awhile. It seems that I was always doing what other people told me to do, and I think that I have always wanted some independence and cautious adventure. It seems that wherever I live now I need to find a place that I can go and be by myself and think and just "be".

So this was my spot when I was a kid.... it was pretty cool to see it again.

The House I Grew Up In

This is the house I grew up in. 3211 Tyler Street, Northeast Minneapolis. I went by and took some pictures last week when I visited. It's weird to go home.

I grew up in the '70's and '80's, in a family with 2 parents and 4 kids, and lots of animals. I was the youngest. There is so much that I want to write about.... but I am also afraid to open up the past... so many old wounds.

I did not have a bad childhood, but everyone has their "stuff". My mind has not been able to fully process all the memories that have been flooding through it this past week, but I wanted to at least post the picture of my house. It looks so small to me....

I will try to write more and post in small bunches. I get dizzy just trying to process it. Those stairs, that porch, my bedroom window,... I still have vivid dreams at least weekly about that house.

So many memories....

The Daughter

I have a really awesome, wonderful, cool daughter. She is almost 13 and I really dig her - she's great. She is artistic and smart and sweet and a really really wonderful person. I'm proud to be her mom.

I have had a lot of trepidation about being a mom, and I have an ongoing conflict in my head about the job I'm doing....but I also know that she will be who she is (which is really wonderful) despite anything I do as her mother. There is some solace in that.

I am also a daughter, of course. When my daughter was younger I bought the book, "Things Will Be Different for My Daughter"... but I never actually got through it. It still sits on the shelf by my bed and I still think I might make it through it, but other things take priority. I have read enough of it to get the gist of it, but there is a lot of introspection and revisiting of my own past that has been tough to get through.

It isn't that I had an awful childhood or anything. I mean, yes, I had my "stuff"...but doesn't everybody? The thing is though, that my "stuff" has led to me - at the age of 39 - to still be struggling with shyness and a sometimes crippling lack of self-confidence (and perhaps at times self-esteem, but that fluctuates). And now I hear (and say) those words about my daughter - that she is sweet but shy and needs more self-confidence.... so I want to revisit the book, which has the tag-line: "a practical guide to building her self-esteem and self-reliance from infancy through the teen years". ~sigh~ I want that for my daughter.

She is at camp right now - part-way through a 2-week camp far away with no internet or phone contact.... on this Independence Day, she is asserting her independence. I miss her. I am also really really excited about her opportunities and her daring. She is a very capable young woman (even if she *could* use a little more confidence at times). :)

I do often wonder if confidence is a partly genetic thing, or if it is just really well learned (or not learned). Unfortunately my family is riddled with a lack of it. But perhaps that is just natural self-doubt that magnifies with our ridiculous introspection. We are all very capable, but also hyper-aware of our limitations and weaknesses. We tend to feel guilty if we feel confident and egotistical so we beat ourselves up to keep the confidence and ego down. There must be a way to find balance. I'm still working on it.

So I think about my daughter, and what I can maybe do to support her and yet let her grow into who she is. I try to gently encourage her to do things she isn't comfortable doing, and to give her my thoughts on things that maybe she hasn't thought through. I hope that she knows that I love her and support her no matter what. And I certainly hope that she knows that if she gets into trouble or if anyone hurts her I will be there to help her. I hope that I am strong for her - I don't ever want her to be afraid of hurting my feelings, or telling me something that I won't be able to deal with.... I don't ever want to let her down.

I know that parents are human, and I know that I make mistakes. I know that I have already let my daughter down at times, and I hate that I have done that. It's weird to be in the position where I know that sometimes I have to let her down to give her the ability to grow, but it's also reassuring too. It helps me to reconcile things that happened to me when I was a kid as well - when my parents weren't quite what I hoped they would be. And I guess it continues to help now - when as an adult my parents still aren't quite what I hope they will be.... we are all only human, after all.

I want to be strong for my daughter. I want her to know that no matter what happens to her, I am here for her. I really hope she knows that. I have my own "stuff" that I continue to work through, but I really really hope that I will always be strong for my children.

I guess the balance is that I allow them to become strong too.... and it's a fine line between being there for them and letting them grow up and be independent. I hope I do okay.

The Tattoo

On June 3, 2009 I got a tattoo. I had thought about it for years - literally years - sketching designs and talking about it off and on...but it took my upcoming 40th birthday to get it done.

Although I jokingly say that if I don't celebrate anymore birthdays I can stay 39 forever, I am scheduled to turn 40 on July 18th of this year.... I wanted to get a tattoo before my 40th birthday. I got it done.

For years I knew that I wanted a yin-yang center with a sun surrounding it. But I was sort of stuck on what the sun would look like (and where on my body to put it). Since I have a strong attachment to the moon, I really wanted the moon there as well.... And then I decided to throw in a few other symbols - a peace sign, my zodiac sign, and my initials. My own sketches were not quite right, so I perused the internet and found some things on here that I kinda liked, then I sketched some more, and then I took it to the artist and he added his touch to it - and viola! I'm very happy with how it turned out. I do want people to be able to see it, so it is on the back of my neck. I can still cover it with my hair or whatever, but I can also show it off.

I do have to admit that I learned that it is dangerous to not eat before getting a tattoo. My appointment was for 7:30pm, and I worked through lunch and then was too nervous to eat dinner. Although I didn't think the pain was too bad, I passed-out within the first 10 minutes of the work. Oops. I was only out for a couple seconds, and then we took a break and had me eat and get my blood sugar up, and then proceeded from there. The worst thing was that I was embarrassed. I do have to admit that having a tattoo put on the back of my neck felt a little like what I'd imagine a mini-jackhammer might feel like....and it made my skull sort of shake, which is not great for someone who has been known to get seasick. But it makes for some good stories too. :)

I can now check "get a tattoo" off my list. I'm certainly not itching to get another one, but I have no regrets. It turned out even better than I imagined.

Time

Time.... it turns out blogging takes time, so now when I write I feel guilty about the time I am taking away from other things.... grrrr. Tough. I'm taking the time now.

I guess we all have to decide what to spend our time on. I know I am not the most adept at time management and I'm actually quite good at "wasting time" - on things like daydreaming and writing and reading. I will argue that it is not a waste though, of course. But sometimes I do need to focus on more pressing matters.

I am a wife and mother, and my family is still my priority. My kids are now 12 and 10 years old and it allows me to indulge a little in "me".... and that's kinda nice. Some of my "indulgence" is my job - I am a massage therapist and I own my own business. I love it and I feel that it is my calling in life. But it does take time away from my family, and that can be tough sometimes.

I'm also a human being, and there are certain things that we need to do to maintain our health and well-being.... I love to exercise and I am a happier person when I do. But that takes time too, and I haven't been giving enough time to it lately so I need to balance things out more there as well. My favorite kinds of exercise are yoga, pilates, biking, running, weight training and swimming. I would exercise for 3-4 hours a day if I could...but with owning a business and having a family, that really isn't possible. So I am trying to be content with less, and realize that less is better than nothing sometimes! I used to think it wasn't worth going running if I didn't have at least an hour, or biking if I didn't have at least 2 hours... silly, I know. I have been trying to change my thinking on that kind of time.

So much to do....so little time.... family, work, exercise, pets, music, gardening, art, cleaning,.... (guess what gets dropped first?!...if you've seen my house, you know!).

I guess I should end my time writing for now and get back to other things. :)

Saturday Morning Thoughts

For many years, my early-morning habit was writing. I would get up before my family and write - in a journal or here on the computer - thoughts, opinions, etc. Sometimes I would write stories or edit previous works, or write poetry or what-not. But the past school year has made that more difficult as I have been staying up too late and not getting up before the kids, so my writing has been pushed aside. I still write, but it isn't as consistent as it was....

So here I am on a Saturday morning. It is the first Saturday of summer break and yesterday evening was spent at the ball park watching my daughter play softball, followed by some time with my hubby watching tv....just a nice lazy evening. I was able to sleep in and now I have some time to myself before I get ready to work today.

I am a massage therapist, and I own my own business. From the beginning of my career, I have been my own boss - first as an Independent Contractor - and since January 1st of this year I have been the owner of a little larger business and now I manage a few other Independent Contractors as well. Really what that means is I am in charge of paying the bills and distributing the money... and a few other things that I am still learning. :) At times it is overwhelming, but overall I love the challenge. I absolutely love what I do - it is my calling in life and I am so glad that I found it. I am still learning how to balance it with the other aspects of my life - I definitely need to work harder at that - but I knew it wouldn't be easy. The challenges keep me alive though. ;)

Time for me to get going now...
-jc

Difficulty Sharing

It turns out that sharing my thoughts is a little more difficult than I thought it would be...
Even though my husband is the only person I have shared this with so far, just the thought of other people possibly reading it spooks me a little....which kinda surprises me. But I guess when I think about everything that has happened to me in relation to other people - especially over the past few years - I am not so terribly surprised. People can be advantageous and my previously shared thoughts have sometimes been used against me. I know the danger in sharing, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to risk it again.

On the other hand, I know that I am a good person (overall), and the people that used my thoughts and insecurities against me have their own problems. It is a sad thing when sharing human frailties and vulnerabilities becomes ammunition for other people. I have seen the dark side of people though and I am sad that they proved to be that way.

At any rate, I have found myself afraid to write and publish - even if very few people know this place exists.... and it is because of that fear that I am going forward and facing it. It's still difficult though.

I believe I have now made 2 posts, without really saying much of anything.... better to ease into it though.

Ciao for now -
jc

My TOME.... (a definition and introduction)

The Dictionary.com definition of "tome" is:

1.	a book, esp. a very heavy, large, or learned book.

2.	a volume forming a part of a larger work.

In this case, My TOME also stands for My Thoughts, Observations, Memories, Etc.

This is my first post, so I really don't know if I will do much with it. We'll see. I tend to write a lot - volumes - but I don't usually share my writing. I'm not entirely sure that anyone really wants to read what I write, and usually what I write is really pretty private. Really I'm mostly writing for myself. But if anyone else gets something from it, then of course that is an added bonus, so I figure I can try to share and see how it goes. I don't promise anything earth-shattering or anything - just my thoughts, observations, memories, etc.

So here it is.
Enjoy....
-jc