Lunar Glow

I felt her pull, I felt her glow,

It seemed there were things she wanted me to know.

But partly hidden behind the trees,

The knowledge she possessed I struggled to see.

Still her pull was strong,

And she encouraged me along...

  
So finally, full within my sight,

She blessed me with her wisdom tonight.

College Search Caution

In a few days I will be traveling with my daughter to look at colleges.  I have been really excited about this because college is a chance for her to redefine herself and help shape her future, and I am excited about the opportunity for her to live in another part of the country. 

But in the past week, this article came across my computer screen (even though it is from 4 years ago): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124272157 and that led to a series that led to this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124001493 and this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124111931, and they hit way too close to home for me.

Sure, those articles were written 4 years ago; but that they describe similar events that have happened 8 years ago when I tried working on a college campus in sexual assault prevention, and 25 years ago when I was assaulted myself on a college campus.... and I have to say that it puts a damper on my enthusiasm for sending my daughter out into that world.

I tried to work in sexual assault prevention 8 years ago as a graduate student.  I was dismayed at the lack of progress that I found in the years since I had been an undergraduate, and ultimately I just couldn't be immersed in it.  It turned out that even after all my years of work confronting and dealing with my personal story, the memories were still too painful to be faced with every day.  Some people really just don't "get it", and others are actively trying to perpetuate a culture of violence and control over women, and it is just too exhausting for me to try to educate or change them.  I had to admit that I don't have it in me to try to change the world in that way.

But my daughter is another story.  How do I prepare my child to go out into such a dangerous predatory world??
(I had to pause after writing that to pull myself together, as tears and sobs threatened to overtake my body.)

I try not to be overprotective.  I try to encourage my kids to be adventurous and live their lives.  But I admit that I have discouraged my daughter from looking at my undergraduate university because of how they responded to my assault on campus; it is a great school, and I hope that things have changed in the last 20+ years, but I just couldn't encourage my daughter to go there.  But really no college is safe, and I know I can't fully protect her - any more than I can protect her from car accidents or any other accident or painful incident - and I know that that is just the way it is.  But damn it is scary. 

So I try to prepare us both for the college search and the college experience, and hope that I can help build in her the strength she needs to get through the next stage of her life.  I know that I was really vulnerable as a freshman - having already been a victim and not yet a survivor (there really is a difference) - and my daughter is a different person.  I know that fear is not a useful emotion and I certainly don't want to feed it in this situation.  But I do still want to make sure she is aware and prepared.  So again I wonder if perhaps the time has come for me to be more transparent about my own story... will she want to know?  Or does it fall into the category of things you don't want to know about your parent?  I am certainly not going to force it on her (wouldn't that be ironic?), but the story is available if she ever wants to hear it.

Me; my freshman year at college

It's a funky thing with trauma that once you become a survivor and life becomes good again you realize that those horrible things that happened helped shape the wonderful person you have become.  But we certainly don't wish trauma upon our children.  So I continue on this college search journey with my daughter very cautiously.
Please send us strength. 

January 2014, with some review of 2013

So.... it has been over a year since I have posted anything here.  I thought maybe I'd use the new year as an excuse to try again.

It isn't that I haven't had things to write about; I just haven't followed-through with posting anything on here.  2013 was a challenging year (but really, aren't they all?!) and I just got caught up with living and not writing about it.  So we'll see if 2014 is any different.  

When I look back at 2013 what stands out the most are 3 major changes/losses;  I had to say goodbye to my two sweet dogs, and there was a pretty major change in my mother's health with a series of small strokes that really effected my life by needing to help take care of her more.

Gomer - the beagle/ doberman mix - died in April, after a swift decline.  Although in hindsight there were signs earlier, it wasn't until we returned from a spring-break trip that we knew he was sick.  X-rays showed a mass in his lungs, and at the age of 12, any further diagnosis or treatment seemed cruel (it was either a fungal infection or cancer, and either of those things were going to be painful to treat and only prolong his life a very short time).  We did what we could to help him enjoy his last few weeks, but it was tough.

Kinsey - the australian shepard/ old english sheepdog mix - lasted until December.  Truthfully, at the ripe old age of 16 1/2, she would have kept going in a somewhat wobbly senile state, but I was going out of the country for 2 weeks and truly no one else could take care of her comfortably.  For the last few months of her life I needed to carry her up and down stairs and pick her up often when she fell on smooth ground.  She would bite at other people if they tried to pick her up, so it wasn't fair to them or her to leave her with someone else. She would still jump around happily (and then fall down) for food or some other memory and she continued to run in her sleep; but she didn't know where she was a lot of the time, and her legs just couldn't hold her up sometimes. She died very peacefully and was even running in her sleep again right until the end.

My mother spent most of the month of July in hospitals and rehab after having a series of strokes that began on July 2nd.  I was scheduled to be out-of-town for most of that time, and it was a challenge to balance important time with my kids with helping to take care of my mother.  It is still a challenge.  I will write more about that in another post.  The good news is that she is doing pretty well and the lessons I am learning are a blessing.

I can't promise that I will be more consistent about writing here, but I will take it one day and one post at a time.  We'll just have to see how it turns out.

I will end this one with another picture of that beautiful summer day in 2011 with the dogs... when they were both younger and healthier.  We had a lot of good years with those two, and I still miss them.

RIP Gomer and Kinsey.

My Connection with a Man on the Moon

Neil Armstrong took his last breath on Earth yesterday, some 43 years after he first walked on the moon.  I never met him.  However, I still feel like I had a connection to him, and his passing touches me. That famous lunar walk occurred just a couple days after I drew my first breath on this Earth.  I was still getting used to life outside my mother's womb when Armstrong took his first steps on the moon and uttered his famous words.  

Being an astrological moon child, I always thought it was pretty cool that man first walked on the moon around the time I was born.  Apollo 11 was on it's way there when I made my way here... or so I sometimes (with a sense of humor) like to think.  Maybe we passed each other in space.  :)  When I was younger and dreamed of being an astronaut,  Neil Armstrong was my hero.  I just always felt a connection with him for taking those steps as I was adjusting to being here on Earth. 

When my husband interviewed for a position at Purdue University, I didn't know much about Purdue.  For some reason, even though I grew up in Big Ten country, Purdue was not on my radar.  I didn't even know it was in Indiana, and my impression of Indiana was mainly that it was the home of that Vice President that derided Murphy Brown and didn't know how to spell.  I wasn't too sure about moving to Indiana, but when I realized that Neil Armstrong went to Purdue, it actually seemed like maybe I was meant to be there too... 

So maybe I never met Neil Armstrong, and my connection is more fantasy than reality, but whenever I drive past his statue outside the Neil Armstrong Hall of Engineering I feel like coming to Indiana was meant to happen.  I feel like there was a destiny that I have fulfilled. 

So RIP, Mr. Armstrong.  Thank you for lighting my path a bit in this life so far, and may your spirit continue to light the way for many in the future.

Half Moon

I look up at the moon and see

What feels like truly part of me.

Sliced nearly in half, I see her glow

The darker part will ebb and flow.

 She hangs above me in the sky

And watching her, I always sigh.

For she is, in fact, my guiding light

I feel great blessings at her sight.

A Couple of Introverts go to Bonnaroo....

A view of the tent city

My husband and I attended our second Bonnaroo Music festival this year.  In case you don't know, Bonnaroo is a 4-day music festival where over 80,000 people camp-out and hang-out and rock-out on a farm in Manchester, Tennessee.  Over 80,000 people.  Over 80,000.  People.

We went last year mainly because there were a couple bands we really really wanted to see, and we wanted to be brave and daring and suffer through the heat and port-o-potties... and we survived!  And very much like child-birth, we focused on the result and decided to do it again....crazy people that we are.

Us

See, my husband and I are really both pretty much introverts, and 80,000+ people is a lot of people to be around for 4 days straight.  He and I are different in the way we deal with it though; I think he is more content to just get lost in the crowd, whereas I am really more *afraid* of getting lost in the crowd... so we definitely have different thoughts on the experience.  I can really only speak (write) for myself though.

Last year when we went we really didn't know what to expect.  We read up on it and talked to some experienced Rooers, but again - much like childbirth - you really don't know until you experience it.  It was hot and dusty and stinky and crowded... and the music was AWESOME.  And really, it was nice to get away with the old hubby.... and yeah, we felt old.   

Our Tent

This year we were more prepared - both mentally and physically.  Most importantly we had a tent/awning to go over our tent and give us more shade (yay!), and we were more careful to not let our car battery die as we unloaded (good for recharging the phone battery).  We were also a bit luckier with the weather so the heat wasn't quite so bad.  And really being more mentally prepared for the crowds and stinky toilets is really helpful.  :)

The Shins

Again, the music was awesome and we discovered a couple new bands, and we didn't get too sick of each other in the many hours of togetherness... But we also were reminded that we need to work on our social skills, and I think that if we go again we really need to be willing to be more out-going, cause really with so many people around, it is good to enjoy their company more.  True, most of the people there are much younger than us - it really is mostly a 20-something crowd - but we saw plenty of older folks too.  And admittedly since we don't smoke we lose out on a very popular conversation starter there... but I'm not gonna take up smoking just for that.  I don't think it is horrible to be an introvert, and I'm actually very happy with who I am, but I do hope that if I go back I will be just a little more out-going....

Red Hot Chili Peppers

So hey - if anyone reading this would like to join us next year, let me know.... I'd love to know more people there.

Fear and Compassion

I am writing this from a hotel room in Nashville.  I am here for one day, while my husband gives a talk and meets with a bunch of people at a university.  Tomorrow we head to the Bonnaroo music festival for 4 days outside with about 80,000 strangers.... So today I have some time to myself.  And that should be good.  Unfortunately my fear has gotten a hold of me and I have been beating myself up for the past hour or so.

I have been told that Nashville is a pretty nice place, and with a whole afternoon to myself I thought maybe I'd check it out.  But I am too scared.  I know anxiety pretty well, and what started out as a little nervousness turned into pretty good anxiety and I became afraid that if I went out I would have a full-blown panic attack...and those are just not much fun.  I've had them before in public places and I really prefer to prevent them if possible. 

The thing about my anxiety is that it doesn't always make sense.  Panic and anxiety really are not rational.  Sometimes I can work through it and "feel the fear and do it anyway", but other times it really is best to just be compassionate with myself and let me hide in my hotel room.  After about an hour of trying to push through it today, I decided the room is not so bad.  It looks like a beautiful day outside, but I will be outside for the next 4 days.  And Nashville, well... if there was a park or water right nearby I'd be out there, but I don't feel like getting the car out of valet parking and driving somewhere, and the nearest park is a half-hour walk down a potentially pedestrian un-friendly road.  I'm not into stores and shopping, and I have a little food in the room, so here I stay. 

What bothers me is the fear.  I have an enormous fear of asking directions, and even of being seen.  I actually believe that somehow I don't have the "right" to be places... like I don't even have the right to exist.  I kinda figure that if I can exist quietly, without anybody noticing, then I am ok... but if I have to ask directions or draw attention to myself that I will be "found out" and sent away or something even more humiliating (while I rationally know this doesn't make sense, this seems to be pretty spot-on with how I feel if I look deep inside).  I'm not sure I've ever articulated that quite like that before, but it really feels like truth to me.  I suppose writing it down like this is maybe not a good idea though because now anyone who reads this will know how deeply psychologically whacked I am!  Oh well.  It really does seem to be a root cause to so much of my anxiety.

Now, having written that, I can also admit that I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I really do feel like I have the right to exist!  And once in awhile I even like attention.  But mostly I really am afraid that people will find out that I am a fraud of some kind and I figure that once they know the "real me" they won't like me.  So I really prefer to keep to myself and try to prevent that.  So here I am; alone, hiding in my hotel room on a beautiful summer day....

But today I will practice compassion for myself.  Tomorrow I will get back out in the sun.