January 2014, with some review of 2013

So.... it has been over a year since I have posted anything here.  I thought maybe I'd use the new year as an excuse to try again.

It isn't that I haven't had things to write about; I just haven't followed-through with posting anything on here.  2013 was a challenging year (but really, aren't they all?!) and I just got caught up with living and not writing about it.  So we'll see if 2014 is any different.  

When I look back at 2013 what stands out the most are 3 major changes/losses;  I had to say goodbye to my two sweet dogs, and there was a pretty major change in my mother's health with a series of small strokes that really effected my life by needing to help take care of her more.

Gomer - the beagle/ doberman mix - died in April, after a swift decline.  Although in hindsight there were signs earlier, it wasn't until we returned from a spring-break trip that we knew he was sick.  X-rays showed a mass in his lungs, and at the age of 12, any further diagnosis or treatment seemed cruel (it was either a fungal infection or cancer, and either of those things were going to be painful to treat and only prolong his life a very short time).  We did what we could to help him enjoy his last few weeks, but it was tough.

Kinsey - the australian shepard/ old english sheepdog mix - lasted until December.  Truthfully, at the ripe old age of 16 1/2, she would have kept going in a somewhat wobbly senile state, but I was going out of the country for 2 weeks and truly no one else could take care of her comfortably.  For the last few months of her life I needed to carry her up and down stairs and pick her up often when she fell on smooth ground.  She would bite at other people if they tried to pick her up, so it wasn't fair to them or her to leave her with someone else. She would still jump around happily (and then fall down) for food or some other memory and she continued to run in her sleep; but she didn't know where she was a lot of the time, and her legs just couldn't hold her up sometimes. She died very peacefully and was even running in her sleep again right until the end.

My mother spent most of the month of July in hospitals and rehab after having a series of strokes that began on July 2nd.  I was scheduled to be out-of-town for most of that time, and it was a challenge to balance important time with my kids with helping to take care of my mother.  It is still a challenge.  I will write more about that in another post.  The good news is that she is doing pretty well and the lessons I am learning are a blessing.

I can't promise that I will be more consistent about writing here, but I will take it one day and one post at a time.  We'll just have to see how it turns out.

I will end this one with another picture of that beautiful summer day in 2011 with the dogs... when they were both younger and healthier.  We had a lot of good years with those two, and I still miss them.

RIP Gomer and Kinsey.

My Connection with a Man on the Moon

Neil Armstrong took his last breath on Earth yesterday, some 43 years after he first walked on the moon.  I never met him.  However, I still feel like I had a connection to him, and his passing touches me. That famous lunar walk occurred just a couple days after I drew my first breath on this Earth.  I was still getting used to life outside my mother's womb when Armstrong took his first steps on the moon and uttered his famous words.  

Being an astrological moon child, I always thought it was pretty cool that man first walked on the moon around the time I was born.  Apollo 11 was on it's way there when I made my way here... or so I sometimes (with a sense of humor) like to think.  Maybe we passed each other in space.  :)  When I was younger and dreamed of being an astronaut,  Neil Armstrong was my hero.  I just always felt a connection with him for taking those steps as I was adjusting to being here on Earth. 

When my husband interviewed for a position at Purdue University, I didn't know much about Purdue.  For some reason, even though I grew up in Big Ten country, Purdue was not on my radar.  I didn't even know it was in Indiana, and my impression of Indiana was mainly that it was the home of that Vice President that derided Murphy Brown and didn't know how to spell.  I wasn't too sure about moving to Indiana, but when I realized that Neil Armstrong went to Purdue, it actually seemed like maybe I was meant to be there too... 

So maybe I never met Neil Armstrong, and my connection is more fantasy than reality, but whenever I drive past his statue outside the Neil Armstrong Hall of Engineering I feel like coming to Indiana was meant to happen.  I feel like there was a destiny that I have fulfilled. 

So RIP, Mr. Armstrong.  Thank you for lighting my path a bit in this life so far, and may your spirit continue to light the way for many in the future.

Half Moon

I look up at the moon and see

What feels like truly part of me.

Sliced nearly in half, I see her glow

The darker part will ebb and flow.

 She hangs above me in the sky

And watching her, I always sigh.

For she is, in fact, my guiding light

I feel great blessings at her sight.

A Couple of Introverts go to Bonnaroo....

A view of the tent city

My husband and I attended our second Bonnaroo Music festival this year.  In case you don't know, Bonnaroo is a 4-day music festival where over 80,000 people camp-out and hang-out and rock-out on a farm in Manchester, Tennessee.  Over 80,000 people.  Over 80,000.  People.

We went last year mainly because there were a couple bands we really really wanted to see, and we wanted to be brave and daring and suffer through the heat and port-o-potties... and we survived!  And very much like child-birth, we focused on the result and decided to do it again....crazy people that we are.

Us

See, my husband and I are really both pretty much introverts, and 80,000+ people is a lot of people to be around for 4 days straight.  He and I are different in the way we deal with it though; I think he is more content to just get lost in the crowd, whereas I am really more *afraid* of getting lost in the crowd... so we definitely have different thoughts on the experience.  I can really only speak (write) for myself though.

Last year when we went we really didn't know what to expect.  We read up on it and talked to some experienced Rooers, but again - much like childbirth - you really don't know until you experience it.  It was hot and dusty and stinky and crowded... and the music was AWESOME.  And really, it was nice to get away with the old hubby.... and yeah, we felt old.   

Our Tent

This year we were more prepared - both mentally and physically.  Most importantly we had a tent/awning to go over our tent and give us more shade (yay!), and we were more careful to not let our car battery die as we unloaded (good for recharging the phone battery).  We were also a bit luckier with the weather so the heat wasn't quite so bad.  And really being more mentally prepared for the crowds and stinky toilets is really helpful.  :)

The Shins

Again, the music was awesome and we discovered a couple new bands, and we didn't get too sick of each other in the many hours of togetherness... But we also were reminded that we need to work on our social skills, and I think that if we go again we really need to be willing to be more out-going, cause really with so many people around, it is good to enjoy their company more.  True, most of the people there are much younger than us - it really is mostly a 20-something crowd - but we saw plenty of older folks too.  And admittedly since we don't smoke we lose out on a very popular conversation starter there... but I'm not gonna take up smoking just for that.  I don't think it is horrible to be an introvert, and I'm actually very happy with who I am, but I do hope that if I go back I will be just a little more out-going....

Red Hot Chili Peppers

So hey - if anyone reading this would like to join us next year, let me know.... I'd love to know more people there.

Fear and Compassion

I am writing this from a hotel room in Nashville.  I am here for one day, while my husband gives a talk and meets with a bunch of people at a university.  Tomorrow we head to the Bonnaroo music festival for 4 days outside with about 80,000 strangers.... So today I have some time to myself.  And that should be good.  Unfortunately my fear has gotten a hold of me and I have been beating myself up for the past hour or so.

I have been told that Nashville is a pretty nice place, and with a whole afternoon to myself I thought maybe I'd check it out.  But I am too scared.  I know anxiety pretty well, and what started out as a little nervousness turned into pretty good anxiety and I became afraid that if I went out I would have a full-blown panic attack...and those are just not much fun.  I've had them before in public places and I really prefer to prevent them if possible. 

The thing about my anxiety is that it doesn't always make sense.  Panic and anxiety really are not rational.  Sometimes I can work through it and "feel the fear and do it anyway", but other times it really is best to just be compassionate with myself and let me hide in my hotel room.  After about an hour of trying to push through it today, I decided the room is not so bad.  It looks like a beautiful day outside, but I will be outside for the next 4 days.  And Nashville, well... if there was a park or water right nearby I'd be out there, but I don't feel like getting the car out of valet parking and driving somewhere, and the nearest park is a half-hour walk down a potentially pedestrian un-friendly road.  I'm not into stores and shopping, and I have a little food in the room, so here I stay. 

What bothers me is the fear.  I have an enormous fear of asking directions, and even of being seen.  I actually believe that somehow I don't have the "right" to be places... like I don't even have the right to exist.  I kinda figure that if I can exist quietly, without anybody noticing, then I am ok... but if I have to ask directions or draw attention to myself that I will be "found out" and sent away or something even more humiliating (while I rationally know this doesn't make sense, this seems to be pretty spot-on with how I feel if I look deep inside).  I'm not sure I've ever articulated that quite like that before, but it really feels like truth to me.  I suppose writing it down like this is maybe not a good idea though because now anyone who reads this will know how deeply psychologically whacked I am!  Oh well.  It really does seem to be a root cause to so much of my anxiety.

Now, having written that, I can also admit that I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I really do feel like I have the right to exist!  And once in awhile I even like attention.  But mostly I really am afraid that people will find out that I am a fraud of some kind and I figure that once they know the "real me" they won't like me.  So I really prefer to keep to myself and try to prevent that.  So here I am; alone, hiding in my hotel room on a beautiful summer day....

But today I will practice compassion for myself.  Tomorrow I will get back out in the sun.

Anniversary Reactions

This past weekend held two significant traumatic anniversaries for me, and in true Jen-fashion I had anniversary reactions. The older anniversary was from 1988, and I have done a lot to recover from that trauma and it might not have been so bad... but last year I had another trauma that is still pretty fresh and this was the first anniversary of that one so it compounded things. Two traumatic anniversaries in one day/weekend kinda sucked.

This won't happen every year; that first trauma - from 1988 - was a "night before Easter" thing... the actual date was really April 2/3. There have been many years where it haunted me but I didn't understand the whole "anniversary reaction" thing. Sadly, in it's association with Easter, I have not been a big fan of that holiday for quite some time... but I have learned to deal with my reactions and get by. Last year - on April 7 - I experienced another trauma, and the wounds are still pretty fresh and raw... and although I tried to not let the anniversary get to me too much, my anniversary reactions were pretty strong and a bit frustrating.

It may seem that by writing about this I am dwelling on the trauma and perpetuating the reactions. I don't believe that to be the case. What I am doing is acknowledging something that occurs whether I am conscious of it or not; my body remembers things that my conscious mind does not, and I become agitated and unusually "moody" during these times. Understanding the anniversary reaction helps me to be forgiving and gentle with myself when this happens, and I believe it helps me to heal. But it is still frustrating.

One kinda neat thing about this year is that when I woke up on Easter Sunday, it was a bit of my own resurrection; I had a new day and a new year and new healing. Maybe I can make new peace with the holiday too; I hadn't really realized the spiritual timing of my traumas before. Maybe what happened last year was a reminder that I hadn't fully understood the significance of my earlier traumas... I believe I still have lessons to learn.

I have some time before my next trauma anniversary in May. Perhaps I can spend some time looking at it more objectively and heal more of my wounds. I know that if I try to ignore it my body will just shout at me louder. But if I acknowledge it, I can make peace with it more gently... and I welcome that.

Peace and Love.

Happiness

Ok, I admit it. I am not a "happy" person. I am wary of too much happiness. I am suspicious of exceedingly happy people. I do not trust "happy". Bah humbug to "happy".
But that doesn't mean I am always miserable either.

Ok, so I also admit I have been my share of "miserable". It is a well-learned skill that I was taught growing up in my family. And I admit that when things go wrong, I do have a tendency to crash and burn. And well, things do sometimes go "wrong". But... well... I am trying to find that balance between the "happy" that I distrust, and the "miserable" that I unfortunately feel a bit more comfortable with.

Some people may be shocked to think that someone would be more comfortable with misery over happiness. And truthfully, I am rather puzzled with it myself. But the thing is, somehow I have internalized this belief that misery is safer than happiness. Crazy, huh? But then again, obviously I am not alone because otherwise there would not be such a market for positive inspiration... all that "do not be afraid" stuff is so popular because people *are* afraid, and often afraid of going after what they want and even being...happy.

In my own experience, I have internalized a notion that I don't deserve to be "happy". I have somehow come to believe - deep down - that I get punished when I am happy. I wrote about it a little in my post "When I Was Fifteen (an Introduction)"; because I do think that having a few traumatic experiences occur shortly after I have been "happy" has really taught me that happy is dangerous. I can actually think of many many examples throughout my life... but then I realize that if I can really look at things objectively, maybe "happy" is not the cause.... but as I said, it is a belief that I have internalized and the feeling is so strong that it is really tough to change.... I *am* working on changing it, though progress is pretty damn slow sometimes.

So I still don't trust "happy". If someone asks me what makes me happy, I think to myself that I don't want to be happy; I want to be at peace, and I want to experience love and maybe some joy once in awhile... but happy still feels dangerous to me. Still I will say that things make me happy - it is a word that gets used a lot - I will comment on places in nature being my "happy place",..., but really truly I am looking for peace...comfort...and once in awhile moments of contentment and even joy. But not too much. Too much joy = happy, and then my body starts to worry and look for trauma, and often then it seems to find it.

So please be understanding that I don't display much happy. It is still too closely associated with trauma, and I just can't go there right now. I'm tired and beaten down and for now it is safer to quietly go about my life and try to just get through it. Don't push happy on me.

On the other hand, I'm happy if you're happy. :)