On Broken Dreams

Ok, so this maybe isn't the most positive post, but I will try to bring it around...

I try to be positive and find the good in everything, but I have really been struggling with some broken dreams. Sometimes I am too busy and distracted by a full life to think about them much, but other times the ache still hits me hard. Sometimes I almost laugh at my previous naivete, but other times I want to curl up and cry... because there are things that I really believed in and thought would happen that just....didn't.

I think most people have suffered from broken dreams. I doubt that there are many people who don't feel some angst and pain from the hopes and dreams that haven't come true. I try not to dwell on the pain, but I still feel like it is important to notice it, and even to honor (in my mind) the dreams that have broken. Because they were a part of me, and they helped to shape who I am now.

I believe that some of my broken dreams can still be fixed and come true in some ways. But others have completely missed their opportunity and it is simply too late. I guess that is what happens as we age... when we are young nearly anything seems possible, but as we get older we realize that time is running out and we need to narrow down our priorities. It doesn't mean that things aren't possible, but it just seems maybe we (or just I?) get more realistic and more selective about what we put our limited energy into.

I wish that I had more time and energy to do all the things I've wanted to do. But there really is only one of me, and unfortunately all the things that I have dreamed about would take more than one of me... that is reality. I think it is a product of growing up that helps us to recognize that, and as much as I'd like to hang on to my childish fantasies, I have been forced to grow up quite a bit over the last few years.... and really, I guess that is good.

But I still feel the ache sometimes, and I think that is good too. Because the dreams were real and beautiful, and I do honor them by remembering and feeling that. And then I honor reality by re-engaging and doing what needs to get done.

Embracing my Inner Introvert

I like people. I really do.
But I am finally more comfortable embracing my inner introvert (as opposed to my outer introvert, which is a little tougher to get a hold on). In doing some research, I found this: http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2011/07/4-ways-technology-can-enable-your-inner-introvert/242469/ and I feel like I'm in good company.

For years I struggled with my introversion. I have often been called shy; and truthfully, although that feels like a rather derogatory term, it has been the case at times. But more often, I am wary of situations with lots of people because they make me uncomfortable - not because they scare me, but because they simply exhaust me.
Another good article/post about it is this one: http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/2011/07/05/are-you-shy-introverted-both-or-neither-and-why-does-it-matter/
And another nifty psychological term that has been applied to me is HSP; Highly Sensitive Person http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm. I definitely fit that as well.

The beauty of being human is that we are multidimensional and not static. I can be out-going and have a great time in a group, but I am more comfortable in a quiet setting. I like people - a lot - but I need a lot of time alone. I am pretty sensitive to things, and too much stimulation is just... too much. But I have been afraid that I have missed out on things in the past, and that has pushed me to be more out-going than I am most comfortable with at times. Unfortunately that nearly always backfires on me. To be really true to myself, I need to embrace my introversion and not make apologies for it.

So here I am. I like people, but I am more comfortable being alone. I like conversations, but I prefer writing to speaking. Sure, there are times where I like to be up on stage performing, but more often I like to "perform" in the privacy of my own home (or behind my computer). I admire people who are extroverts, and I do make the effort sometimes to go out of my comfort zone and be out-going... but it is exhausting and I am more comfortable being more introverted. It is fascinating to me that people can be so different, and I am glad that we have such variety. So I am really making a bigger effort to give my little introverted Jen a hug. She deserves it.

On Making Peace with My Competitive Nature

I will begin this by saying that this is a work in progress. I have not yet made peace with my competitive nature. I am, however, working on it....and I am determined to do it well! Because, of course, I can make peace with my competitive nature better than anyone! Ha!

Ok, so I am trying to be silly, but really sometimes it is a bit of a dilemma. I was raised in a pretty competitive family; we were expected to do our best and there was a lot of natural competition within us... and it seemed that nothing was ever quite good enough... unfortunately. So I am not really sure how much of my "nature" is really nature versus nurture. I really am not sure if I am naturally competitive, or if it is just really well learned behavior. But it is definitely there. And sometimes it makes me really uncomfortable.

The dilemma with a "competitive nature" is really one of balance. I think it is healthy to want to strive to do one's best in anything....but it is also important to appreciate where you are right now, in this moment. So sometimes it is a fine line; work towards improvement, but enjoy the present. I try. And mostly I succeed, actually. But there are still moments where I feel a very uncomfortable stirring of competitive jealousy (or envy - even when I look up definitions, I get the two words confused....), and that bothers me. I strive to be a cooperative and caring person, and I don't want to take anything away from anyone else... I just want it for myself as well! And I admit that I am not immune to my competitive stirrings, and sometimes it is difficult for me to make peace with them.

As a parent, I have discovered an even greater challenge; and that is of making peace with my Mama-Bear nature. It absolutely goes together, and honestly is the catalyst for this writing... one of my greatest challenges since I've become a parent is finding the balance between being proud of my kids and recognizing that they aren't going to win lots of awards in this life, and that is actually mostly a good thing because we all need to find our self-worth from inside. For some reason, I have too often looked externally for validation.... and hopefully I can help my kids to not suffer the same fate.

So I am working at making peace with my own competitive nature. I cannot erase my past or my social conditioning or my basic nature, but I can make peace with it. I am not complacent, but hopefully I can keep from beating myself up for not being "better" (and be forgiving of myself when I fall short on that too!). It is important for me to remember that if I compare myself to others there is always someone "better". But truly, there is no one better at being me. And I may want to be a "better" me in various aspects, but even then there is no better "me" right now.

So there you have it. Wish me luck. :)

Meditation on Love

This morning I attended a little mini yoga retreat here in West Lafayette. It was short and sweet and absolutely wonderful. It was exactly what I needed.

The last couple weeks have been challenging for me at work; not because of anything particularly bad, but because I have unexpectedly had to take on a larger load and I have just been a bit over-extended and ultimately depleted. My job is a very peaceful and nurturing job, and although it does return some positive energy, for the most part it involves a lot of giving. By yesterday, my emotional reserves were running on fumes. I desperately needed this retreat, and it really gave me what I needed.

The yoga retreat was titled, "Living With Intention in the New Year", and it involved some Asana, some instruction and discussion, and some meditation. One of the meditations was a guided meditation which focused on Love (and I can't help wanting to write; "a subject near and dear to my heart"....). :)

When we were first guided to think about Love, I almost laughed out loud... because it is something I had written about earlier and had already been thinking about. At the beginning of the retreat, we were guided to write down what our New Year's Resolution, or our Intention for the New Year is. I wrote:

"it is a calm presence, but a forgiving one... to be my best self....whatever that is in the moment...and to LOVE
~ this is my forgiving and loving year~
Everything else will follow"

I have already been meditating on Love this year, but I was able to focus on it better today. I feel incredible peace about it now, and I feel replenished and able to give more freely again. As I said, it was just what I needed.

I believe that Love comes very naturally to me. But it isn't always easy and I have a lot of scars from it as well. Although I give my love freely; it still stings to have it rejected or seemingly used against me. I have found that there are times when I have to find a balance between loving someone and protecting myself from them, and I find that it is easier to be loving within certain boundaries. So it is safer for me to send "loving kindness" out to the world, than to have many face-to-face interactions with people. And while some people may think I am missing out by not being more social; I am learning to love myself just the way I am....and that means not berating myself for hiding in my cave or shell.

So you may not see me out and about very often (and when you do, I may look uncomfortable!). But I hope that my choices in life and work help to bring comfort and peace and love to the world. I hope that I can manage to spread love...whether it is through my hands or my words or even my thoughts. That is my Intention.

"Love is patient and kind"....

December 31st was my 20/18; 20 years before I had "re-met" Bruce, and 18 years before I had married him. I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

Bruce and I met on our college swim team, and I remember the first time I really noticed him. I remember sitting in a circle at pre-season dryland training and we were doing introductions; he was somewhere to my right, and said he was from Madison, Wisconsin. It wasn't that lightening struck me, but he did make an impression. A short time later I was looking forward to seeing him at a swim-team social function...and that is when I found out he was seriously dating another swimmer (and my captain at the time). Oh well, there were many other fish in the sea, and I dated a few of them... There was another time in college the next year when I wasn't sure he was still with his girlfriend that I was asked to go to a thing at his fraternity; I briefly thought perhaps I would be "set-up" with him, but it was with someone else (and was a complete disaster), so again no luck. But other than that, Bruce was a good-looking seemingly nice-guy that I kinda knew, but not very well. And that was fine, because I had plenty to deal with in college....

New Year's Eve 1991: I had recently dyed my hair black and was feeling a bit rebellious (my rebellion is comically tame). I was invited to a party but wasn't all that excited to go; but my friend strongly urged me to attend...emphasizing that Bruce was in town and would be there...and he had broken-up with his girlfriend a couple months before. So I put on a shirt that would emphasize my blue eyes, and nervously went to the party.... and this time there were sparks.

I was living in St. Louis at the time, and Bruce was in Madison. He was still getting-over a long-term relationship, and I was still... me. We tried to take it slow, and the distance helped, but within 8 months I was looking for a job in Madison so I could be closer to him (I succeeded). And crazily enough it was not long after a year that we were engaged (I keep looking back at the dates and am shocked that it was so quick!). Since we "re-met" New Year's Eve, and I am a big-fan of symbolism, we planned a New Year's Eve wedding - December 31, 1993.

A couple years later, Bruce was finishing up his PhD and looking for a job, I was taking classes and trying to figure out what I wanted to do career-wise (other than coach swimming, which I loved), and we somehow decided it was a good time to start a family.... crazy kids that we were. So Bruce got a job at Purdue, and we moved to Indiana when I was 6 months pregnant (we went back up to Madison for his graduation after Lil'Ra was born).

Two kids and 18 years later, we are still married, and that really is a credit to Bruce and his patience and kindness. We did do the Corinthians reading at our wedding, and it really has helped when times got tough; a lot of ups and downs can happen in 18 years. We have been really fortunate in so so many ways.... but we have also worked really hard and I have learned so much about love from him.

It takes more than love to be married, and I suppose there are marriages out there without love (but how sad that seems to me). I am fortunate to be married to a man who has the patience and kindness to deal with my idiosyncrasies and the strength of character to not give-up when things are tough. I have definitely tested that over the years. I am truly thankful to have him in my life, and I do not take that for granted.

2011 Reflections

The morning of January 1, 2011, I walked to the beach in Hawaii and watched a sea turtle swim.... I felt like it was symbolic in some way, but I didn't know in what way. I believe that we create our own lessons and meanings to things, and that our feelings about things can change with new information and perspective. 2011 turned out much differently than I imagined it would on that January morning in Hawaii...

A couple days later, I was back in Indiana and getting ready to face some demons I had been hiding from. I didn't know at the time how dramatic things would get, but I did have a feeling of fear. It would still be a couple months before things really came to a head, and I guess I am fortunate that I did have some time to prepare, but I am still recovering from the trauma.

It seemed as if the entire world was shaking in the early part of the year; my beloved Christchurch, New Zealand suffered a horrible earthquake on the 22nd of February, and I was terribly shaken. Then on March 11th, Japan was hit by an earthquake and horrible tsunami. Not long after that, I had my own personal earthquake and tsunami.... my demons came roaring out of the shadows and into the light; and shook my world to the core. I felt split in two and tried desperately to hold myself together....but felt like a tsunami had hit me and I was floating in debris. It was one of those life-changing times that is so personal that you can't even talk about it... and I felt painfully alone. I am thankful that time is starting to heal my emotional wounds.

Looking back; much of the first part of the year is a blur. In late April, my mother went to the doctor to get her high blood pressure treated and had horrible reactions to the first couple medications she was put on. She ended up passing-out while driving on a 55 mph road and rolling down an embankment. Fortunately she came to and was able to crawl back up to the road and flag-down a truck (after many cars drove past, ignoring her), and we were able to get her to a hospital after she refused an ambulance. After a night in the hospital, she was able to go home, but a couple weeks later she passed-out again (luckily she wasn't driving that time). She ended up spending a few more days in the hospital at the beginning of June, but they still didn't seem to really figure out the issue; it seems to be really related to the blood pressure meds. Things seem to be pretty stabilized now, but it has been a tough time.

The summer sunshine helped to begin the healing, and my work and family brought much needed stability to my heart. My husband and I did a raw-food cleanse which helped jump-start getting back to a more healthy diet, and I re-assessed my priorities and have re-committed to being my own best friend. Bruce and I celebrated his birthday by taking a trek to the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee; a hot, dusty experience... but good fun and a really much needed great escape for us.

Our kids began high school and junior high this year, and although life here in Indiana isn't glamorous; I have a renewed appreciation for the comfort and security I have. I know that I am fortunate and I am very thankful for what I have.... I do not take it for granted.

2012 will not begin in the paradise of Hawaii, or with the anticipation of a sabbatical in New Zealand. This year I will be at my home in Indiana; and that is appropriate, because I am ready to be home. This coming year I do not want to run away, and I am hopeful that I can face my demons and be joyful for my good fortune. I know there will still be ups and downs, but I feel like I have made peace with my adolescent self and am more comfortable in my adult skin.... there is hope where only a few months ago there was almost overwhelming fear and sadness.

As I reflect on 2011, I am still a bit sad about how I handled some things... but the mourning period is over and I can look with hope into the distance and breathe deeply and peacefully. I can remember my New Year's Day turtle and feel like she was telling me to be careful and patient....that things would be rocky and turbulent, but there would be calm in the end. She really helped me get through this year....

I hope that 2012 is a more peaceful year than 2011, but I feel like I have more tools to deal with whatever comes my way as well. I really have learned a lot of lessons this past year, and although I am still healing, I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am making peace with things that happened years ago, and although I don't enjoy the pain I do appreciate that my life journey continues to teach me and help me grow every day. My heart is healing and my soul is stronger. I am more protective of my family and friends, and although I am forgiving, I am not weak in my forgiveness. A couple years ago I used this: "I'm not as nice as some of you think I am, but my kindness is a strength...and I'm pretty damn strong." I am re-claiming my strength.

Morrissey Musings

Last night I was one of *those* people.... an audience member who watched one of her favorite artists, with tears streaming down her face. Damn Morrissey!

It isn't the first time I have had tears at a concert - quite often I am moved to teary-eyes - but usually I can stop the flow down my cheeks with some deep breaths, blinking, or digging my nails into my palms. And in fact, the first few songs last night I did just that. But within moments of the start of "There is a Light That Never Goes Out", it was hopeless. Cue the puddles. :(

I am not a fan of public displays of emotion on my part. I much prefer to keep my raw feelings behind closed doors, where I can experience them in private and then write about them later. :) I will go to painful lengths to hide my ooey gooey insides. Fortunately I believe the audience last night was concentrating on the performance and not my wet cheeks (my daughter who was sitting next to me didn't even notice). Nevertheless I was frustrated with myself. I hoped that the next song would give me reprieve, but when Morrissey went right into "Every Day is Like Sunday", I cursed his insensitivity to my emotional fragility... and continued to wash my cheeks in salty streams. ~sigh~

Later I was able to pull myself together, and although my eyes still welled up at times they did not overflow anymore. Both my daughter and I had to cover our eyes during "Meat is Murder", and I also felt like I was going to throw up then since he is so kind as to show film of all kinds of nasty murdering for meat (the strobe lights were getting to me by then as well), but I managed to get through the rest of the concert without too much emotional turmoil.

Music often moves me, and I knew there was a risk in going to see Morrissey live. I have cried many times just listening to recorded versions of him over the years and his music has a great connection to my adolescent past, so I knew it would be more difficult to hold myself together. There are many concerts that I go to that I have to sort of close-off and not feel them fully because otherwise I would be a puddle of goo...but last night I just couldn't stop it, and I guess that is ok. Admittedly though, I am glad it was dark and no one I knew was around. :)