Middle-Aged Adolescence Part 2: brought on by a soccer game

This weekend my kids participated in their end-of-season recreational soccer league tournaments. It was a successful tournament overall with both kids playing well and my daughter's team winning the championship, and my son's team only going out in sudden-death penalty kicks (a bummer to lose, but they really were in the game the entire time). The weather was beautiful and all the games were enjoyable.

I, however, got to play referee between my parents again. Somehow, even though I moved over 500 miles away from where I grew up, I managed to have both my parents move near me... and I still have to play the separation game. It's exhausting, and it just adds to my feelings of being adolescent.

My parents separated when I was 14, and divorced when I was 15. Really, it was a relief because they never got along. My father re-married when I was 16, and for many years my parents actually managed to get along better...in part because he left my mom alone while he was married, and in part because my mother was more tolerant of him "for the sake of" us kids (or so she says).

After my father got divorced a second time, he was alone and I made the mistake of suggesting that he move near us.... a mistake because my mother was already here and it was a ticking time-bomb to have them living near each other. I actually realized that, but I wasn't going to tell him he *couldn't* live nearby, and I also hoped for the best.... but it did prove to be traumatic. My parents "tried" to be civil, but....well, it really didn't work very well. There was more than one holiday where I had to time their presence so they wouldn't have to be there at the same time, and kids' activities where I could only have one or the other there... and then all the guilt since neither of them had really any friends here.... ugh. Just not pleasant. :( So it was somewhat of a relief when my father decided to move back to Minneapolis shortly before we went on sabbatical in New Zealand.

But shortly before he moved back to Minnesota, he met a woman here.... and now he is back; living with her. I am happy for him - that he found someone - but it has made things more complicated for me again, and I feel guilty again. While he was gone, I focused on my mom, and she is alone and needs my help. Now that he is back, he has someone else to help him and he has really completely withdrawn from me....and yet I still feel guilty for not being more in touch. I am busy enough that most of the time I don't think about it. But today....

My mother has attended a lot of my kids' soccer games this fall. For most of the season, my father was traveling in Europe, so I didn't have to worry about whether he or my mother would be there....but he returned a couple weeks ago, and this weekend was the last weekend. And, my daughter has been playing well enough that she said she "wouldn't mind" her grandpa seeing her play. [To be honest, I had banned my father from my kids' soccer games for the last couple years because he was so vocally critical and negative (it was easy enough to "ban" him by just not telling him when they were). I decided that this would be a good game for him to see.]

My father is very passionate about his soccer, and really he is the reason I did *not* play soccer.... for him, it really does not seem to be a "game"... and he just doesn't seem to appreciate positive feedback. I did play a little when I was really young, but he made it so miserable.... and I was a pretty decent swimmer so I just concentrated on that. In fact, there was one time that I cried after a swimming race and my coach at the time told me that if I couldn't handle it maybe I should play soccer instead....and I was pretty determined to never cry in front of him again! I was willing to watch soccer with my dad, but I never wanted to play for him - his negative criticism was just too harsh. I had hoped that age would have mellowed him (and maybe it did!), but it didn't take long for me to decide that he did not belong on the sidelines at my kids' games.

But today I decided to try again. Rather than surprise my mom, I told her ahead of time....and she decided not to go. Although I was kinda annoyed by that, my kids understand; they have seen my parents together before and it is...uncomfortable... so I don't think they minded. But I admit it still bothers me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I did enjoy the time with my dad, and my daughter's team won the game and my dad even said some positive things about the way she played(!). But it is still exhausting to play the referee between two parents who got divorced over 25 years ago.... it just seems so .... silly? unnecessary? wrong? But it is what it is, and I try not to judge. My mother doesn't want to be around my father, and I try to respect that. One of the final straws was a few years back when he jabbed a finger in her face and told her "according to the Catholic Church, we're still married".... I guess I don't blame her for not wanting to be around that. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is....

So here I am, still feeling like a kid who has to try to keep her parents apart and keep the peace. I remember when they were still married and I tried.... it obviously didn't work then either. They still will complain about the other and tell me how awful things were, and how the other person is to blame.... ugh... it really never ends. I don't like exposing my kids to that, but I guess it is good for them to see how toxic some people can be to each other. And I do my best to point out their good qualities and be loving and caring and forgiving. I do try, and I do love them.

But it is certainly sad. It is sad to have parents who can't be in the same place together. It seems crazy after all these years...but the reality for my parents is that time has actually made it stronger and they no longer feel the need to pretend to get along for "the sake of" anyone. And really, I guess that is their prerogative. I am pretty good at changing the subject when it comes up, and usually I can keep things pleasant....but I am obviously frustrated at having to continue to do it. But I can and I will, and it will all be fine.

My name is Jennifer, and I am a Middle-Aged Adolescent. :)

Middle-Aged Adolescence

So.... I am pretty definitely middle-aged. I am, after all, 42 years old...so there really is no doubt about that! But lately I have been feeling very adolescent too. So I feel like I am going through a bit of a Middle-Aged Adolescence.

Obviously life is all about changing and growing, so this is all completely normal, right? But sometimes I feel like I didn't give myself permission to rebel when I was younger and so now the pull to be more adolescent can be pretty strong. Of course I view it all very objectively and don't actually *do* much about it.... :)



Lately I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. To be fair, I have never been very far away from her for any great length of time, but she has had some health problems in the past year and I am her main source of support so I have spent even more time with her lately. I love my mother dearly.... but... well, it's complicated (and really the reason for this blog post).



I am the youngest child of 4; the "baby". I have three older siblings, who are a bit closer in age and I felt somehow apart from them growing up. Now the difference in age doesn't seem like much (they are 5, 8, and 10 years older), but growing up it seemed much greater. I felt left-out of some things and resented for others.... but mostly I felt somehow responsible for everyone else's feelings. (cue the psychologists!) Yep, that is the underlying theme... I have always felt responsible for other people's feelings.... and now at the ripe old age of 42, I am still trying to figure out how to be "me" and not neglect others in the process.

All my sociological and psychological studies have led me to the obvious understanding that adolescence is appropriate; people should rebel and question things and figure things out when they are growing up. I'm sure I did some of that... but I am also certain that I really didn't feel like I had the right to do much of it. When I was at the appropriate age of adolescence, my family was in turmoil and I felt the responsibility to be a sweet little good child.... and really that has continued. I still get stuck in thinking I have to be "good" and "sweet" and "nice".... and I feel extremely guilty when I do things that seem selfish or mean.... when really I am probably doing things that are more balanced. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And now I have the added problem of having aging parents and adolescent kids who rely on me....

I know it is all a part of life, and it is good to question things and observe and figure things out. Usually I can look at things objectively and slow-down enough to not do really hurtful things.... but sometimes that really takes a lot of self-control! And of course sometimes I slip and blurt-out things or ignore things that I shouldn't... in other words, I am still very human. I am not a perfect child; I am not a perfect friend, or wife, or mother or business-owner either. (I am also not a perfect writer, so if you are appalled at my grammar and writing style, get over it!) I am, however, painfully aware of my imperfections and it does still cause me to withdraw and hide-out. Shy? A bit. Introverted? Somewhat. Overly-sensitive? Perhaps.

I wish I could be more out-going and friendly and confident sometimes,..., but then sometimes I am (which I can imagine is confusing to people as well!). I do try to be kind and caring and loving, but sometimes I just need to hide in my shell and protect myself as well. I still feel a very great responsibility to others and I struggle with guilt when I cannot help others. I recognize that I am human, but I also get frustrated that I don't do more.... but perhaps there is a certain balance to that after all.

Returning, Take 2

Hello Again. :)

So, here I am, trying to resurrect my blog again. I have tried a few times over the past year, but each time I left my writing unpublished. I will try a little harder to get this up this time....

So it turned out I wasn't quite ready to be back in Indiana last year. I knew I was apprehensive, but I was trying to be brave and courageous and face my fears, etc. Unfortunately I stumbled again and fell into some old patterns and nearly drowned myself. So here I am again.

Last night was a beautiful full-moon, and I am inspired to re-discover some things that I have hidden away. Unfortunately I didn't want to be back in Indiana last year, and I kept dreaming about being elsewhere.... but now I am ready to discover the beauty that is here. Sure, it isn't New Zealand...or Australia, or Hawaii, or New Mexico, or even Minnesota (which will always be in my heart)...but really there is a lot of beauty right here in Indiana, and I am ready to embrace it. I am still printing and framing pictures from my travels, but soon I hope to add some more local beauty to my walls as well....

And yes, I am cautiously peeking outside my walls again. :) But I am also more comfortable acknowledging that I like the security that my walls provide, and that is okay too. I actually have learned quite a bit the past year and even though some of the lessons seemed to be all-too-familiar, I also recognize that my understanding has transformed me yet again. I am much more at peace overall than I was a year ago.

So, here goes. In case you are reading this for the first time, this is for *me*.... it is completely self-centered. :) But I will also say that I appreciate you - no matter who you are - and I hope that you enjoy getting a glimpse into my mind. Or, if nothing else, you like the pictures. ;)

Peace and Love,
jc

Sunset in New Zealand... Sunrise in Indiana?

The sun has set on my time in New Zealand. It is now June 1st, and I am back in Indiana.

Our last few days in New Zealand were wet and cold; it is winter there and it was especially rainy. It was appropriate and made our leaving a little easier because it was so awful that we wanted to go! But it is still sad to leave such a beautiful place and I will always carry it in my heart.

We spent more than 30 hours traveling back to our home in Indiana, and although that isn't exactly fun it wasn't too terrible. We arrived at our house about 3:30am, and I only got a couple hours of sleep before my dogs woke me up...but it is great to be home.

It turned out that Sam was able to visit his old class here in West Lafayette on the last day of school, so he showed up wearing an All-Blacks jersey and carrying his rugby ball. I heard the class cheer as he walked in, which was really cool. I felt like I was drugged so luckily I didn't run into too many people, but each day gets a little bit better. Lex has already left town again and is traveling with her best friend this week. And Bruce and I have still been unpacking....there is an incredible amount to do.

Life is changed for me, and I'm not quite sure where I fit in here now. I am determined to take the lessons I've learned and live consciously and deliberately. And key to that is the word "live". I have unfortunately spent way too much of my 40 years being really rather unhappy....and really not wanting to live. I don't recommend it. I have spent a great deal of time hiding and running away from things and "living in the shadows". Needless to say, that really is not a very pleasant way to go about life. But I believe that I have faced my demons and done my penance, and I think that I am now ready for the next step on my journey in life. I am a bit wary, but optimistic.

I don't think very many people will read this, and I hope that any that do will not find a way to use it against me. But really, there isn't much that anyone else can do to hurt me anymore. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've come clean and am doing my best to put the past behind me. It is all a part of me, but it doesn't have to control me anymore. I can only move forward and live each day the best I can - and I plan to do that. I am tired of making mistakes, but I have to be brave and recognize that as a human I will continue to make them....I just have to do my best to minimize the ones I do make, and to continue to make amends when I can.

It's weird to be back. It has always been kind of tough to live in the "normal" world, and now it is even tougher...I just have a different perspective about things. It is true that sometimes my head is too much in the clouds. But hey - some of those clouds are really awesome! :)

Anyway, if you happen to read this and think I'm a little weird, just remember that I've been upside-down for awhile.... (although honestly, I think maybe I've spent most of my life upside-down and I finally just spent 5 months right-side up!).

Remember, life is ultimately good.
Peace and Love,
Jennifer

Autumn in New Zealand

It is Autumn here in New Zealand. It's beautiful.
We recently went for a little jaunt out West to Mt. Cook, then Queenstown, and then to Milford Sound to see the changing leaves and mountains and fiordland. Much of our time was spent in the car driving, but we were just one of many who would pop out at the side of the road to take some pictures.... This first one is a view of Mt. Cook from the road. I love the blue sky contrasting with the beautiful Autumn leaves. The sky got pretty cloudy at times, and we also got a lot of great shots in the rain and fog (equally beautiful, I think).

The second picture here kinda shows that a bit... cloudy, with the sun showing through a hole in the sky. It made it a bit mysterious, and when we went down to the Fiorlands it really got wet and foggy and spooky but beautiful....

It is kinda a reminder that beauty comes in many different forms. And also that sometimes the changes we see are beautiful in part because they are changes.

As I've gotten older, I've become a bigger fan of Autumn. I used to be more of a "Summer Girl"; loving the sun and the water and all that Summer is. I still like Summer, but I think that I am more appreciative of Autumn now. It used to not be so appealing because it represented slowing down and dying to me, but I think that now that I am older and slowing down myself I appreciate it more. There is a lot of beauty in change.

So here I am in New Zealand, and I am trying to appreciate all the changes I see and feel. Life goes in cycles, like the seasons and the cycles of the moon, and I am in the Autumn of my life. Sure, it is possible that I will live more than another 40 years, but I am also well aware that I could die any moment really. And no matter how long I continue to live, my body is slowing down and "changing colors". I am trying to appreciate that. I think that I am mostly succeeding.

For my children, it is still Spring, and I am glad for that too. They are both blossoming, and it is beautiful to see. I am very thankful for the opportunities this trip has given us, and I am glad that we have done it together.

Often I wish we had others to share it with, but I try not to dwell on what I don't have, and instead appreciate what I do have. I wrote about my family in a previous post, and I am very appreciative of it. Although I did choose to have a family, I couldn't choose the people they've turned out to be and when I look at them I realize that I am very lucky. We aren't without our faults and sometimes the colors aren't so "pretty", but really the beauty is in the imperfections and the love that is there. We may not be a lot of people, but there is a lot of love here.

We are returning to Indiana in just about a month. It will be strange to go back ... while in many ways not much on the surface has changed - after all it has only been 4 months - in other ways everything has changed. It is impossible for me to be here and not feel profoundly transformed. It has been a profoundly spiritual journey for me, and I am curious to see what happens when I return to the US.



There is a New Zealand advertising campaign: Get Your Life Back. I definitely needed it, and I think that I've definitely gotten it. The challenge will be keeping it once I'm back in Indiana, but as I keep saying, I plan to take it with me. There is a lot of symbolism about New Zealand that I didn't even realize - things that I have always loved that are symbolic of this country. I first said I wanted to come here for sabbatical over 7 years ago, but I really didn't have any concrete reasons why.... I believe this country has been calling for me for quite some time.

My soul is at peace here and I will always be thankful for this time.

Family

As I was walking with my daughter to school today, she was asking me lots of questions about family. She is very interested in genetics and often asks about various traits; both physical and behavioral. This morning's was a good conversation that I wanted to continue (but I had to let her go to school). Walking back alone, I reflected on the idea of family more and thought about those I consider family....

My main family consists of my husband and two children. We are a "traditional" family who sometimes joke about who the .5 kid is (we also have 2 dogs, and we live in a big house with a white picket fence in Indiana). I didn't strive for this family; when I was younger I was pretty sure I would never get married and I figured that when I was ready to have kids I would have them as a single woman. I was rather dismayed when my husband asked me to marry him when I was only 23, but he's a really great guy and I just couldn't say no. We've had our ups and downs, but we've now been married for more than 15 years, and I can honestly say our relationship is better than ever. Luckily neither one of us has decided to take the easy way out, so here we are, and I feel very fortunate.

The family I grew up in - my "birth" family - was a little different, but not terribly unusual. I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota in July of 1969. I was the youngest of 4 children, and two rather unhappy parents. My three older siblings were all fairly close in age; born in '59, '61, and '64. Growing up I felt like I was ages apart being born 5 years after my closest sibling, but now it doesn't seem that far. Growing up there were times when I felt like I came from a completely different family and I felt left-out a lot. There was a lot of conflict in my family and I was always pretty sensitive to people's moods so I would find places to go to escape it. Usually it was just outside somewhere - near a tree or water (I wrote about my spot by the Mississippi River in a previous post last year). Sometimes it was just into my own mind. From an early age I did a lot of writing - lots of poems (and "songs") - but I've never been very comfortable sharing. At any rate, I think that I have always tried to avoid conflict when I can. I have also tried to resolve it when I can as well, but I know all too well that we cannot control how other people will react to things. It is still somewhat amazing to me how upset people will get when they *don't* want help resolving something....but I am learning.

My parents got divorced when I was 15 (separated when I was 14). I honestly never remember them being happily married and I was actually relieved when my dad moved out. But it was tough. I don't think there is ever a good time for parents to divorce, and being a young teenager is tough enough without it. My older siblings were all out of the house by then, except when they would return for temporary periods of time, and it was an interesting time looking back. The first year was actually wonderful; my dad had moved out and the house was quieter and calmer than it had ever been. My older brother was at home with my mom and I, but my sisters were both gone and the house was really rather peaceful. I felt happy and confident for one of the first times of my life. Unfortunately it would also be the last time for quite some time as well.... While the separation was great for me, the divorce was much worse and it coincided with some other things which drastically changed my life.

We take on roles in our families, and although we may all see and define them differently they are still there. Looking back, I think that I viewed my role in my family as the sweet, happy child. I felt that I was there to make other people happy, and to not upset anyone. I am not saying that other people saw me that way, but I believe that I internalized it (and I still do). Anyone with some knowledge of psychology can see some of the troubles that may cause down the road though. One of the greatest problems is the futility of succeeding at that in a family of unhappy people, and also the near impossibility of making someone else happy.... it is something that I still nearly constantly struggle with.

There is obviously a lot more that I can say about my birth family - I have barely scratched the surface on that. But one of the very neat things about growing up is helping to create new families, and I am very fortunate to have a pretty great family of my own. I didn't really plan to get married, but I ended up getting married pretty young. There have been times when I have thought that was not the best choice, but I do not regret it. I love my husband, and I think that being married for over 15 years is pretty great for someone who is practically terrified of commitment! I admit that I woke up the day after my wedding and was overwhelmed and scared and wished I could change my mind....but luckily I couldn't and I didn't and I'm still here. Likewise having children was a huge decision that also terrified me (talk about commitment!), and there are still innumerable times when I worry about my parenting, but I am blessed with two really wonderful kids. Although I wish they were more confident and driven, I honestly feel honored to be their mother - they are just really terrific people and I manage to like them more all the time.

Here in New Zealand we are spending a lot of time with just the four of us. Sometimes it feels like it is just us against the world, but mostly it is just us in the world. The kids are 13 and 10 (almost 11), and it is a great time to spend with them. I really truly enjoy their company. Being me, I still need time to myself and I will go off on my own and hike or read or do yoga or whatever, but I think we are all getting to know each other better and every day I am thankful for this time with them. The past year, especially, was a tough one for us and this sabbatical was really needed for all of us. Some of the lessons along the way have certainly been painful, but I appreciate where we are right now. Hopefully it will help give us the strength to get through whatever else comes our way.

Sabbatical Half-Time Report

So... we have been in New Zealand for over 2 months now... our sabbatical is more than half over. Time to take a half-time break and reflect.....

I'm not sure what most people think of when they hear "sabbatical". There are a few different definitions, but essentially it is used as a time to get away and try something new. Most people think of it as a luxury, and obviously since I have been able to hike around here in New Zealand I can certainly appreciate that. But I do want to point out that nothing comes for free and we have worked pretty hard in order to get here (and being here isn't all cushy either).

This is actually my husband's second sabbatical. The first one was spent mostly at home though, and he learned that it is tough to get away when you are still in town... it really was not a sabbatical. This time around we decided we'd better get as far away as possible, hence New Zealand. Of course only a year before the sabbatical, the business I worked at went for sale (with the threat of closing down if no one bought it), so I bought it... exponentially adding to my responsibilities. Even though I had a year to prepare, it really was a pretty overwhelming transition. If it wasn't for the internet, I would not have been able to come on this sabbatical because I still have so many responsibilities at home. Bruce, as well, still has students at Purdue that he is working with and he has weekly conference calls to attend to. And of course bills still need to be paid at home.... so really we are almost living a double life.

The "double life" thing is really sort of a feeling of keeping track of 2 lives at once. My computer has 2 clocks - 1 set to my time here, and 1 set to my time back home in Indiana. My brain is constantly trying to keep track of both. The time change is pretty great, and rather surreal because we are 17 hours ahead (it recently changed when Indiana "sprang forward", and it will change again once we "fall back" soon). At any rate, it is a day ahead here, and that is pretty funky. But it keeps life interesting. It will be interesting again when time stands still for awhile while we fly back home in May......

So we are living in Christchurch, New Zealand. We are living in the city - on the edge of the downtown area - but the city isn't huge and the beach is 15 minutes away, and mountains not much farther. The climate is fantastic. We have a short-term rental in an upstairs flat of an old house. Our carpet is really old and very much like the fake-grass carpet at a mini-golf place, our appliances are old and small, and we are still living out of suitcases (although we did rent some furniture). We have just 4 small plates, 4 bowls, 4 glasses, and silverware, and we hand-wash all our dishes. We do have a clothes washer, but we hang our clothes to dry. And we do not have a car (I wrote about transportation earlier). I have a much greater appreciation for conveniences that I miss now, but I also realize that some things really aren't necessary... it is good to experience.

The kids are going to school here, and they are almost to the end of their school term. I think it has been a really great experience for them. Both kids wear uniforms to school here, and it isn't too bad. The worst problem we've had is Lex's shoes, and cold legs on some mornings (she has to wear a dress). But both kids have made some good friends and I think they have really enjoyed it. I think they will need to do some math this summer to make sure they are caught up with their schools at home, but I know they'll be fine.

My goals have been mostly to catch up on some of my business work (mostly financial stuff), get back into an exercise routine (the past year I really slacked off), and get outside as much as possible. For the most part I am succeeding. I am happiest when I am out hiking amongst the Eucalyptus trees.... with a refreshing wind blowing and the ocean in the distance..... heaven. I had also hoped to do more writing, but that has been more sporadic. But that's okay. It does take more time to do laundry and dishes and cooking too. And of course walking everywhere takes more time. I love it though.

A little over a week ago we went to Kaikoura and did a whale watch cruise. We were lucky to see 2 sperm whales and hundreds of dolphins. I cannot even begin to express the profound feelings I had...there just aren't the proper words, and to try to use words to describe it just doesn't do it justice. Just...wow. It was definitely one of the best experiences of my life, and it was really not that exciting - just really profound. That's really all I can say.


A lot of my daily pleasure comes from my walks to and from Lex's school. She is attending Avonside Girls High School, and like the name says it is on the side of the Avon River. The river is really like a creek, but it is a nice one, and I walk along it and watch the ducks and black swans. Again, there is often the smell of eucalyptus and even though I am in the city, the flowers and plants are an oasis. I am reminded of the importance of having an oasis to go to in our daily lives, and I am thankful that I can provide that to others at home. I am looking forward to cultivating that more when I get back.

Other fun experiences we have had include an actually exciting Cricket match (go figure!). We were able to attend a Twenty20 match between NZ and Australia in which NZ was able to pull off an exciting win in overtime. Apparently excitement like that is fairly rare in a cricket match so I feel pretty lucky. We also were able to attend a Rugby match that was exciting as well. We've also attended some concerts - both outdoor and in - and of course museums and such. But by far my favorite things are hiking and seeing the various animals out in the wild. In addition to the whales and dolphins and ducks, we have also been rather close to seals and albatross. They really are beautiful animals.

So that is my half-time report. I miss my home and friends, but this really is a tremendous experience. I have been able to reflect on what is most important to me and make plans for carrying that with me when I return. I think that for the kids the experience was even more valuable and I am so thankful that we were able to give them this opportunity. We've all had our ups and downs but reflecting on it really puts things in perspective.

Life is good.